Building a strong and healthy romantic relationship often involves sharing personal secrets and vulnerabilities with your partner. But the timing and manner in which you reveal these intimate aspects of your life can significantly impact the trust and closeness in your relationship. In this discussion, we’ll explore the delicate art of disclosing personal secrets to your partner and consider the factors that influence when and how to do so.
How long should you wait before telling your partner everything?
Whether you’re concealing an embarrassing attribute (e.g. “I’m lactose intolerant”), or hiding a deep, dark, terrible secret (e.g. “My bedding set is Justin Bieber-themed!”), knowing when to reveal certain personal details can be tricky. You probably already know that for your relationship to succeed you’ll eventually need to hold absolutely nothing back from your partner – but the timing of making each revelation is rarely as obvious.
Thankfully, Zoosk conducted a survey of over 5,000 of their members to determine how soon or late one should discuss certain topics when dating a new someone special. While some results are anything but surprising (i.e. more men [32%] than women [28%] would disclose a sexual fetish within the first communication), other findings were fairly shocking. For example, it turns out that nearly half of all men want to “define” the relationship after the first few dates, while only one-third of all women say they feel the same.
But most importantly, it seems that revealing certain details up front can greatly affect response rate when dating online.
When opening messages included the words “vegetarian”, “virgin“, or “rich”, daters were much less likely to respond. However – believe it or not – using the words “vegan”, “pets”, or “allergies” in a first message all increased the chances that a potential mate would write back.
So does this mean that on a first date or during an opening conversation you should only talk about your hairless Chihuahua and the diarrhea you get from eating gluten?
I think not. The greater point is that you should be careful and thoughtful about what you choose to discuss when meeting someone for the first time or building a relationship in its earliest stages.
For example, I believe that intense, touchy, or deeply emotional topics such as sex, religion, and politics are all HUGE no-nos for discussing too early on. This is not to say that you can’t date someone of another faith or change a person’s practices in the bedroom (or even in the voting booth), but a first date is never the appropriate time to force such a transformation.
But rather than memorizing a laundry list of topics that are on- or off-limits, I’d highly recommend taking a more macro approach. First dates and conversations are all about having fun: try not to talk about anything too dramatic, serious, or controversial – but don’t obsess over which words might potentially trigger your date one way or the other, either. In general, if you stick to lighthearted, surface-level material, you’ll up your chances for a second opportunity to take things a little deeper. Your only goal on a first date should be to ensure that your partner has a good time. Achieve that, and the rest will follow.
