We all grow up in a culture that has a very definite influence on how we see both male and female sexuality.
And that includes how we should behave in a sexual relationship. But the problem is of course that many of these beliefs and accepted ways of doing things come from a different generation’s outlook, and the assumptions our forebears made about male sexual behavior and male roles during sex are often well outdated.
Bernie Zilbergeld has called the cultural assumptions that men inherit about sex “the fantasy model of sex”.
This model of sex, which is to some degree inherent in all of us, starts at an early age, when we learn about sex roles by watching the people around us, and how they relate to each other sexually.
Of course inevitably, the small child will compare himself with what he sees around him, and he will continue doing exactly that throughout the rest of his life, unless he or someone else consciously intervenes to stop this happening, the culture changes, or it becomes necessary to seek help from a sex therapist for some reason.
One of the consequences of this internal comparison is that most of us feel inferior around sex.
The reason for this is that the images of sexuality and sexual relationships which are presented to us, let us say, on the television or in movies, and in literature, and indeed particularly in porn on the Internet, are images that it simply isn’t possible for us to replicate in our own lives.
But unfortunately it’s not only our internal sense of inferiority that belittles us: another reality is that our culture actually perpetuates these myths regarding sexuality – you might well wonder why this is so, and there is plenty of reason to suspect that this is something about the many aspects of human sexuality which we hold in shadow, but the thing that matters is that each and every one of us is affected by the issues around sex which we do not express openly.
For example take the myth that men are always ready, and indeed extremely willing to have sex.
It’s a pernicious myth, because it puts so much pressure on men, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of their partners, to be ready for sex whenever a woman happens to feel like it, or even when the situation appears to demand it.
In reality a lack of interest in sex is a common condition for both men and women, a fact which might be due to stress caused by the complexity and difficulty of our everyday lives, or it might be a natural aspect of being alive!
But while men labor under the impression that they should be ready for sex at any time, the reality is that they often find sex to be a burden.
Our culture is now beginning to accept the fact that women have the right to say “no” to sex, but I don’t think it’s yet accepted the fact that men could do so as well.
And what about the next myth – you know, the one that size matters!
This is another pernicious myth, which has left men feeling inadequate, inferior, and sexually unfulfilled.
When a myth like the one about penis size (bigger is better) is so widespread in society, it’s hard for anybody who falls on the lower side of average, which by definition is about 50% of men, to feel normal or adequate or good enough.
Of course the reality is that penises and testicles come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes – and that’s a fact.
Like every other aspect of the human body, it’s inevitable that the sexual organs are going to vary between individuals.
But of course because the penis is such a potent aspect of our male sexuality, it’s hard for men not to enter into comparisons with each other.
The reality is that sexual pleasure is not really connected to penis size in any meaningful way. There may be a few women who like a large penis, because they enjoy the feeling of fullness, or because the sight of a huge cock psychologically excites them, but the reality is that most women are interested in very, very different values in bed: love, connection, warmth, intimacy, and so on.
There’s another myth which was summed up in The Forty Year Old Virgin, a film made some years ago.
That is, we are expected, as men, to know all about sex, to be very proficient in it, and to lead the way for women in their initiation into sexual relationships.
But in reality, 26% of college students have never had intercourse with a partner, and while men may imagine that everybody around them is having more sex than they are, 22% of men in any group, assuming it’s an average group, will be virgins.
There’s another myth about male performance which puts a huge amount of pressure on men: you must have an erection to be a good lover.
The reality is that men inevitably suffer erectile failure from time to time for all kinds of reasons. And the culture that exists around Viagra certainly tends to reinforce the viewpoint that a man is only adequate to the extent that his penis is hard.
But fatigue, stress, anger, relationship issues, alcohol, prescription drugs, and in particular a lack of sexual stimulation or arousal are all reasons why man might not be erecting a sexual situation.
Go easy on yourself if you have erection problems either on a regular or an infrequent basis, and remember that being hard is not the be-all and end-all of being in a relationship with a partner.
Certainly Viagra can help, but where it fails to produce a hard erection, it’s likely that there are relationship issues which need to be discussed with the therapist and/or your partner.
There’s a myth about sexual intercourse which says that sex ends when the man comes.
The reality is that although that’s what tends to happen, there’s no reason why it should – and indeed there is no reason why every event where you get sexual with a partner should lead to orgasm and ejaculation, either.
There are many reasons why cultural expectations of men lead us to believe those things: the prime one amongst them is that sex in our society tends to be a male-centric event. But sex should be an event which involves both partners equally, and indeed which is directed to the achievement of pleasure for both partners on an equal basis.
Getting to that point from where we are now culturally seems like a long and tedious journey – and perhaps it will be.
But if you remember that women were not even believed to reach orgasm only a hundred years ago, it should be evident that for any change to happen, we need to start encroaching on the established beliefs around sexuality and replacing them with more functional ones which serve us better.
Pleasure and Relationships
One of the difficulties that we all experience when we talk about our sexual relationships is the fact that we are not using the same language.
For instance, do you assume that you know exactly what your partner means when she talks about sexual desire?
It’s actually not very likely that you do, because sexual desire is a complex concept that involves not only a biological drive to engage in sexual intercourse, but also individual viewpoints, values and beliefs, and a factor which you can’t possibly know about, which is her internal motivation to act or not on her biological desire to have intercourse.
What we can say with confidence, however, is that the more positive either a man or a woman’s expectations and beliefs about sexuality are, the more likely it is that he or she will enjoy sex, want to engage in sex, and enjoy sexual pleasure.
Now of course it’s not that simple – nothing in the world of human sexuality seems to be simple! For example, a woman’s pleasure depends to a large extent on whether or not her man has the skill to please a woman… but, assuming that technical knowledge is not lacking, consider the following situation as an example and illustration of how sexual desire can be interpreted in different ways.
If a woman is angry at her partner, it will make her sex drive disappear almost completely – women often say how astonished they are that men expect to have sex soon after an argument.
And the interesting thing is that no matter how strong a woman’s sex drive may be, such an argument with her partner can indeed make her sex drive apparently evaporate.
Equally, even if she’s not experiencing a strong sexual urge to have intercourse, but she feels close to and intimate with her partner, she may still want to engage in sexual activity with him just to enjoy the experience and pleasure of being and feeling close.
The moral of this, if you haven’t already guessed, is that we need to move away from a framework of human sexuality where we talk about desire as a biological urge, and instead start factoring in the psychological and emotional aspects of our desire to be sexual with each other.
Factors that can play into this include age, alcohol, drugs, birth control pills, medications, other health problems, depression, fears and anxieties about sex and pregnancy, emotional issues including resentment and anger your partner, a history of sexual abuse and trauma, and so on and so forth…
So what is the practical aspect of all this when it comes to a relationship?
Well, in essence, because we have no means of understanding each other apart from our level of communication, the short and simple answer to that question is that we must communicate.
Only by talking to each other in a meaningful and connected way can we possibly begin to understand each other’s differing attitudes towards sex and relationships.
On this website we’re going to cover many aspects of male sexuality, but it’s important to remember that each one of them, taken in isolation, can’t possibly help a man to understand his sexuality in the social and cultural framework in which he lives. For that he needs a partner who can reflect meaning back to him!
