There are lots of reasons not to want sex. Pain, boredom, fatigue, the knowledge that the sex on offer isn’t going to be very good, the list goes on and on. Heat might seem like a paradoxical reason for not wanting sex. After all, isn’t sex supposed to be hot? When we find someone or something sexy don’t we say, that’s so hot, and don’t we mean that in a good way? Noted sex therapist and author Helen Singer Kaplan famously described sex as friction plus fantasy.
And friction usually produces heat.
So what do you do when there’s too much heat, literally? This is a question I get a couple times a year from people who are in otherwise happy relationships but whose partners have a much higher melting point than they do. What happens when the temperature makes desire for sex impossible?
If you’re in a situation where the idea of getting hotter, sticker, or wetter makes you want to jump into a cold shower, but you have a loving partner who is jumping into a cold shower for an entirely different reason, here are a few tips on finding a moderate, temperate, and sexy, middle ground.
Is It Really the Heat?
Let’s get this out of the way first. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But most of the time it’s much more than that. Is it possible that you are using the weather and the uncomfortable temperature in your bedroom as a way of avoiding sex or intimacy? It might just be too darn hot for sex. But take a few moments to reflect for yourself about whether or not there are other reasons for the difference in how much you each are in the mood for sex.
Get Out of the Kitchen (Metaphorically or Literally)
If it really is just the heat that is making your libido droop then the obvious advice is to see what you can do to get away from it. Depending on how you do it, sex outdoors may be one answer, but keep in mind that in many cases it’s illegal. I might suggest that the partner who is keen to kindle a romance in the middle of a heatwave could reasonably be expected to produce some A/C, or multiple well positioned fans. If that feels like too much work, don’t kid yourself about sex always being spontaneous. Most of us do some orchestration of our surroundings in preparation for sex, and why should this be any different. But if you’re the one melting, it’s okay to have your partner take the lead.
Sex Without Moving (Much)
If it’s friction and the resulting heat that you want to avoid, get creative and figure out how to have hot sex without so much heat. There are all sorts of ways to have sex without moving very much at all. You can have sex with your eyes and ears or with your nose or tongue. You can have sex using only your breath. Sex doesn’t need to include a lot of well intentioned humping. In fact most of us could do with a brief hiatus from humping.
Sex In and Around Water
We don’t all have easy access to a lake or stream with enough privacy for sex, but a bathtub can do in a pinch. Sex in water might seem like a cool idea, and it can be that, literally, but some sexual activities, especially intercourse, are not advisable if you’re underwater. Sex near water, however, is an excellent way to keep things cool and it can also be a boon for people who are shy or embarrassed about body fluids. Even if you are not trying to have sex underwater, if you’re having sex and a lot of water is involved, keep in mind that water based lubricants won’t do much to keep things slippery. This is a job and a time for silicone based lubricants.
Take Control of the Sexual Thermostat
This is the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach to dealing with hot weather sex. Make the sex itself about playing with temperature. If you need it cool, then have your partner cool things down on you. If they are happy with it hot, there are plenty of ways to heat things up for, and on, them.
