If you are pregnant, or if you are living with and loving someone who is, you have probably noticed that being pregnant changes your sex life. Change is inevitable. After all, one of you is actually growing another body inside. But your response to change doesn’t have to be resignation, whether that means no sex for the next 40 weeks, or having sex but not really enjoying it.
Talking doesn’t fix all sex problems, but there’s so much going on underneath sexual changes during pregnancy that you need to talk at least a bit.
If you’ve tried and failed, or aren’t even sure where to start, here are some ways to talk about sexual questions, fears, and desires that can move you closer to wherever it is you want to be.
It’s About… Timing
If you’ve been holding back for a while there may already be a build up of frustration, hard feelings, anger, or just confusion. Sexual problems can feel sort of like a Gordian knot, impossible to untangle. I don’t know about knots, but when it comes to talking about sexual issues, it’s often best to start from the outside in.
Demanding your partner a conversation where you unload every sexual dissatisfaction or complaint is probably not going to get you the best result. Think of something that’s less likely to get your partner on the defensive (see below for one suggestion), and manage your expectations about how conversations will go. There may be some defensiveness. Not every issue will be resolved in every conversation. Sometimes you may be moving back a bit each time you move forward.
But the point is you’re moving.
Unpack What You Know By Sharing What You’ve Learned
Instead of starting with the present and with the two of you, it can be a bit easier to start by talking about the kinds of messages you got growing up about pregnancy and about sex. This might include formal sex education, things you learned from friends and siblings, the kinds of role models you had (or didn’t have) about what a successful or healthy pregnancy looked like. It might include things you learned in school, messages from the media, from parents, and from religious leaders. Do you have any memories at all of messages (direct or indirect) that were about both pregnancy and sex?
These early messages have a huge influence on how you think and feel about sex and pregnancy, and starting to talk by unpacking what you’ve learned can offer a good foundation for changing the story going forward.
Make A Plan For More Change
You may have a list of things you want to talk about already. Maybe you want more sex, less sex, or you want to try different sexual activities than what you usually do. Maybe you’re feeling like you aren’t getting enough space or that you’re getting too much space. The thing is, you’ll never know how you’re going to feel as you progress through the pregnancy. All you know is that things will keep changing. So talk about that.
If it works for you, lay down some ground rules for sexual communication. Is it one person who usually brings up the topic of sex? Does that feel okay or fair? Are there times when you want to agree neither of you should bring it up? Where’s the line between speaking your mind and pushing your partner too much? What about the line between respecting our need to go at our own pace and wanting to see something change?
Creating the Sexual Life You Want
No life is perfect, so why should your sex life be perfect? Creating the sex life you want during pregnancy has to be at least partly about acknowledging that our sex lives are part of our overall lives; sometimes life is about passion and exploration and sometimes it’s just about getting by. But that doesn’t mean we don’t try. One way to begin to shift things sexually is to try and counter all the messages you’ve received over the years and the bombardment of messages you’re getting now about pregnancy.
A pregnant person is basically told that they aren’t really their own person any more. They are a vessel. That’s true and it’s not true. A pregnant person is both. They are still a person, and they have a right to have their feelings and desires acknowledged and, where possible, actualized. When we tell pregnant people they are fragile and the most important part of them is what is growing inside them, we are taking away some of their power, including their sexual power.
One way you can resist these messages is to expose yourselves to counter images. As homework each of you could go searching for imagery, writing, art, poetry, video, any media that shows pregnancy in a way that you feel is erotic and counter to the stereotypes that surround us. If you have a hard time you can expand your search to imagery that is about other sorts of reproduction. Share what you’ve found and talk about what you find sexy or erotic or powerful about it.
Creating the sex life you want isn’t just about trying to change yourself or your partner, you have to also try and change the world around you a bit.
Counter Myth And Sex Negativity With Information
One reason talking about this stuff is difficult is that no one really encourages you to do it. It’s unlikely a doctor will bring it up. If you have a midwife, they will probably be more open to talking about it, but may not be any more likely to raise it on their own. So it might be that your first experience talking about sex and pregnancy is by asking a healthcare professional.
Particularly if you have any concerns about safety as it relates to your pregnancy, asking your obstetrician or midwife is a good idea (if you’re working with a doula they may have thoughts and experience to share as well). It may feel awkward, but it’s good practice. Keep in mind that sexuality is barely touched on in most doctors’ medical training. This means they often don’t have answers at their fingertips. Some doctors may caution against sex whether or not there is evidence it’s harmful in your situation assuming that it’s better not to take any risks. This perspective isn’t evidence-based as much as it is based on the idea that sex is a luxury that we can easily give up.
Your sexuality isn’t a luxury. It’s a part of you and is connected to your body, your emotions, your spirit. It also may be a primary way you and your partner connect with each other. If you aren’t getting thorough answers from your healthcare providers, make sure you look elsewhere.
