Every day, I see couples fighting. Not just disagreeing with one another, actually yelling and screaming. And yes, I see it. At the grocery store. At restaurants. Sometimes the yelling and screaming is muted to accommodate the public situation, so it’s more like snide remarks, passive aggressive comments, and annoyed glances, but dudes, you aren’t fooling anyone. I know you’re yelling and screaming when you get home. Wouldn’t it be great if that wasn’t the case?
I’ve Been There
When Mark and I were together, we fought a lot, and that’s probably the understatement of the year. Even after we broke up, we fought. We fought about everything, and every time a fight would erupt, all of those old fights would come pouring out again. We’d be nasty to one another, and normally I would consider myself anything but nasty.
With Mark, we don’t have knock-down-drag-out fights, but we do get upset with one another. And we can be mean. I find myself with that sarcastic, ugly tone that makes me want to slap others when they use it. We’ve learned to say “I’m sorry,” but that doesn’t mean we don’t fight in the first place. And it’s frustrating because we don’t want to fight.
Are you nodding right now? Totally with me? Going through the same thing?
And more importantly, do you want the one secret that will make everything better?
I’m about to give you the most important lesson I’ve learned about relationships in the past five years. This isn’t some crap advice from a therapist who doesn’t understand what you’re going through and I’m not some slimy salesperson who wants you to buy my relationship book. This is real life. This is what I’ve learned.
Ready?
The ONE SECRET to making ANY relationship better is smarter communication, not more communication.
Let me repeat that: If you want a better relationship, you don’t need more communication. You need smarter communication.
Why More Communication is Not Better
Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that no one needs more communication. A lot of couples do. If the only time you’re talking to your wife is when you’re yelling at one another, that’s not a good thing. If you resent your boyfriend and avoid talking to him about the issues on your mind, that’s not good either. There needs to be a basic level of communication.
But come on, we’re adults. We’re not toddlers that need to be scolded about using our words instead of hitting (at least, I hope not). People who are bad communicators generally know it. Couples who suck at talking to one another generally know it too. So seriously, if you want to actually have a successful relationship, you need to get over yourself and talk about your feelings in a respectful way once in a while. Understand? Good.
I’m assuming we all know that here because my readers tend to be pretty smart cookies. So let me tell you why more communication beyond that basic level you need for a successful relationship isn’t necessarily a good thing.
More communication sucks. And why? Because what do people tend to do when someone tells them that they need to communicate more? That’s right… they bitch about things. Communicate more? Okay, let me tell my partner the 73 reasons I’m unhappy with life right now.
Communicating more means that you’re talking about all the things that are wrong in your life more often. You’re leaving no stone unturned, and things can even get nasty as you start to be honest about all the shit you hate about your partner. But wait, you might say, communicating more can be positive too! Because we agreed to communicate more, my partner is now more vocal about how much he loves me.
Yeah, but the flip side is that you bitched about your partner not saying “I love you enough,” so now he or she feels an obligation to say it, even though that doesn’t come naturally.
No, you shouldn’t bottle things up inside instead of talking to your partner. No, you shouldn’t walk on eggshells, pretending that nothing is wrong if something is clearly wrong. Like I said, you do need basic communication. My point is, there’s a line – and after you cross it, more communication isn’t a better thing. It’s just bitching.
So How Do I Communicate Better?
Alright, so I shared the secret of a happy relationship – better communication… but what does that mean and how can you achieve that? It’s not easy, but it can be broken down into manageable steps:
Step One: Solve every problem you communicate.
First, whenever you feel the need to talk about a problem you’re having in your relationship, don’t just bitch and not do anything about it. Actually solve the problem. Like fucking adults too, not like toddlers throwing tantrums until one person or the other gets their way. There is no “my way” or “your way” because that’s not how life works anymore. If you’re half of a couple, you have to compromise over every single thing in your life. Sometimes you’ll be compromising a lot and your partner a little, and vice versa. But compromise needs to happen so you can find a solution before the conversation is over.
And the best way to do this is to come to the table with solutions already planned. Before you even start communicating with your partner over a problem, think of ways the problem can be solved for you. That way you aren’t just bitching. You’ve given it some thought. Ideally, come up with several solutions so your partner can weigh in.
Example: Let’s say that your problem is that your husband always leaves dirty dishes in the sink. Your solutions could be:
- He rinses every dish as he uses them, but you agree to politely remind him when he forgets.
- You take on all dish responsibilities and he takes over another chore that he doesn’t mind as much (like making the bed in the morning).
- He buys a stash of paper plates for personal use so they can be thrown away instead of left in the sink after a snack.
So rather than just bitching about it, and likely fighting about it, you are armed with not one, but THREE solutions to the problem. Listen to his solutions as well and together decide which makes the most sense. Test it for a week and reopen the topic if necessary. But make sure the conversation ends with a solution.
Step Two: Stop yelling
Seriously, have you ever gotten a good response from a point you yelled during an argument? The answer is no, you have not. Because people don’t work that way. When someone is yelling at us, they could be saying the smartest, most rational things in the world or they could be speaking Latin and it wouldn’t matter. Being yelled at makes us either fight (get defensive and yell back) or flight (get upset and feel horrible).
So stop yelling. It’s that easy. No matter how heated your argument, stop shouting and without even saying anything, I bet your partner will follow your lead. No one wants to be the only person screaming in an argument because it makes you seem like an asshole even when you aren’t.
And don’t just stop yelling. Stop talking. Don’t walk away, don’t tune out – just listen to your partner talk. Eventually, he or she will get the point across and then it can be your turn to talk. Talk, not yell. This immediately takes any argument from the level of “fight” to the level of “disagreement,” and disagreements aren’t so bad. Disagreements can be worked out.
Step Three: Put topics in boxes and only open one box at a time
This is a hard one, but necessary. If you have a lot of problems, every time you try to communicate about any individual problem, all of those past issues come spilling out too. Suddenly, a conversation about your girlfriend drinking too much turns into a fight about your mother not liking her and the pretty coworker who always tries to put the moves on you and her bitchy group of friends and you always leaving dishes in the sink.
Together, agree right now that any conversation about a problem will ONLY be about that problem. Other problems can wait until another day.
Because let’s face it, when you open up a conversation to be about anything, things can get nasty. If you love one another, you know what buttons to push. You’re hurt that your girlfriend stayed out late at the bar so you bring up topics that you know hurt her. Stop it. Both of you. Stay on topic.
Step Four: Stop telling your partner what you need and start asking what he or she needs
This is a biggie. Now, seriously, if you’re on fire, by all means, tell your partner that you need some water. Talking about your own needs is okay. But this goes back to the point about bitching. Often, when we are told to communicate more, we take that to mean “talk more about the things I need in life.” Guess what? It doesn’t work that way. 80% of communication is listening.
You’ve probably heard that before, that listening is super important. But here’s the thing: when most people say they are listening, they are really just quietly waiting for their turn to speak.
You need to stop doing that. When your partner is talking about a problem, don’t sit there thinking about what you’re going to say in return or what problems you want to talk about. Just listen. That’s all. The entire conversation should be about your partner and his or her problem, not get switched over to talk about you and whatever issues you’re having.
More importantly, communicating better is about not waiting for your partner to voice a problem. Ask. I know, it’s a novel idea to some out there, but if you want your partner to talk to you more, you have to ask questions sometimes. Don’t complain that your boyfriend never told you about his smoking hot cougar boss if you’ve never once asked him anything about work.
Step Five: Get over it (and let your partner get over it too)
This last step is perhaps the most important one, especially when you have a problem. There are TWO parts to the solution to every single problem couples have:
- Part #1: Fix the problem
- Part #2: Get over it
If you don’t carry through with part number two, the problem is going to just keep coming up whenever you argue about anything, like I was talking about in step three.
For example, let’s say that your problem is that your girlfriend’s ex came back into town and she went out with drinks for him without asking you first. The solution that you agree upon might be that whenever either of you hangs out with an ex, the other person has to be there too. But that doesn’t change the fact that the first “infraction” happened.
It’s in the past. Your girlfriend can apologize and stick to your new rule, but it still happened. So solution number two is that you need to make the conscious effort to get over it.
That takes time, but if you don’t, every time you argue, feelings of resentment about her going out with an ex are only going to resurface.
Whatever the issue, acknowledge that you’re hurt and give yourself permission to be angry – and then to forgive. And if your partner is the one hurt, give him or her time to do the same. Forgiveness might be instant, but getting over something that has hurt you takes some time.
Step Six: Keep having sex
Unless your issue is about sex itself, don’t stop having sex because you’re mad at one another. That doesn’t mean you have to jump in bed together if you’re hurt about something (though make-up sex or even angry sex can be fun for some people). But if you’re withholding sex to “punish” the other person, you aren’t doing your relationship any favors.
Having sex brings any couple closer to playing. When sex is off the table, it’s very easy to grow apart. At times, when stressed, Mark and I have gone weeks without having sex, and it was a bad idea. Suddenly, not having sex becomes the norm. Soon, you become roommates instead of significant others.
Make time to have sex, even if you’re working on issues with the other person. You actually might find that it helps you work through your problems, since you are spending more quality time together. Who cares if that pretty coworker always hits on him if he’s in your bed every night?
Step Seven: Keep saying I love you
Say it even when you’re mad. Remind the other person that you’re in this for the long haul. Don’t say anything you don’t mean, and don’t pressure the other person to say it back. But the words “I love you” should not be for special occasions.
Sometimes, it even makes sense to say it in the middle of an argument. A word of caution, however: never, ever, ever say, “I love you, but…” When you use the word “but” it comes off as, “I don’t love you as much as I could,” and that is always painful to hear. Instead of saying:
“I love you, but I wish you would spend less time at the bar with your friends.”
Break it up into two sentences:
“I love you. I wish you would spend less time at the bar with your friends.”
Or, put the I love you after the but:
“I wish you would spend less time at the bar with your friends, but I love you.”
See how whatever comes after the but is more important, while whatever comes before the but is minimized? You want to make sure your partner subconsciously knows that love is what matters. Who knew buts were so important, right?
I hope this advice has helped you on your quest for better communication and a healthier relationship. If it has made sense to you, do yourself a favor and share it with your partner as well. That way you can both be on the same page. Good luck!
