Scary isn’t always a bad thing, and scary sex toys don’t need to be avoided at all costs. As any horror fan can attest, a good fright can be downright erotic, and things that shock us aren’t always bad for us. That said, the sex toys below are ghoulish not just in their looks, but in misguided conception, poor design, and sometimes obvious danger. For this reason I haven’t provided links, but if your morbid curiosity gets the better of you a simple search will reveal unscrupulous retailers happy to sell them to you. If you’ve got your own favorite scary sex toys, let me know and I’ll add them to the list.
Shrink Cream
A terrifying trifecta, shrink creams are misleading, probably bad for you, and certainly racist. Often called “Chinese” shrink creams, these products are meant to be used vaginally and claim to tighten the vagina. The main ingredient in many of them is alum, which Violet Blue explains “absorbs water out of the outer layer of the skin; as more water is absorbed, the cells begin to swell, closing the ducts that water would normally flow through”. These products prey on insecurities and ignorance about how our genitals look, feel, and work. They do nothing to make sex better and do plenty to reinforce sexual and racial stereotypes. Beware!
Auto Suck
Perhaps the least scary of the bunch is the Auto Suck which makes the list on packaging alone. After all, as long as you don’t use it while driving, a vibrator that plugs into a cigarette lighter isn’t such a bad idea, and while the toy is very poor quality, it’s not dangerous in and of itself. It’s the image of the guy who is obviously stalking someone and masturbating while he’s doing it that sends shivers up my spine. Why couldn’t he have been parked somewhere less lurky? Why am I sure those headlights in his eyes are coming from the car of one of his exes, or possibly a school bus?
Inflatable Anal Toys
This isn’t just one scary sex toy, it’s a whole category. There are dozens of inflatable butt plugs and anal dildos and every one I’ve ever seen in testing has popped its seams after being inflated (I should clarify that these kinds of tests are done fully clothed, usually in an office). Because these toys are so poorly made they probably wouldn’t hurt you (once you insert them anally and then inflate, it’s actually the part outside your body that inflates, and so the exploding seams would probably happen at the base. Good for balloon fetishists, sure. But it’s the safety and quality that make this kind of sex toy give me the willies.
The Octopus Vibrator
This isn’t dangerous scary, it’s more why-waste-your-money scary. Also, I still have nightmares about the octopus woman on the packaging. You probably don’t want just one of these toys touching your skin, let alone all eight at once. And in truth, you can’t use them all at once because only two at a time plug into the battery pack. If you’ve enjoyed any tentacle inspired manga in your day, the Octopus vibrator is just a spooky disappointment.
Deep Stroker
The earliest efforts at making handheld “sex machines” the Deep Stroker is a classic dangerous sex toy. The “piston action” is achieved with a single metal rod that moves up and down inside the vibrator. The problem is that the only thing between your delicate internal tissues and that blunt piece of metal is some stiff foam and a thin sheet of latex. I have seen Deep Strokers poke through their innards without much provocation, particularly once the foam begins to crystallize. Believe me, that piece of metal is the last thing you want jumping out and scaring your vagina.
Anal Eaze
What’s more frightening, the fact that this lubricant numbs you to the pain you may be feeling, making anal sex something dangerous, or the fact that this numbing lube is also flavored! That’s right, if you think flavored lube is meant to be eaten, try a dab of anal eaze and remember what it was like last time you were at the dentist. The ingredient is a topical anesthetic that numbs the skin. It’s not meant to be ingested, so why make it flavored? Just another Halloween prank from those fun loving morons who brought you anal fissures, higher risk of bacterial infections, and increased risk of STDs. Happy Halloween!
“Classic” Anal Beads
These alarming anal beads shouldn’t turn you off anal beads as a category. But you’ll still find this classic version in a lot of bad sex shops and websites. The string is highly absorbent (and therefore impossible to clean, even once) and the knots that keep the beads in place aren’t hidden away in the center of the beads, instead they are on the string itself, where you can feel every coarse bump. These hard plastic beads usually have seams on them that you need to file down before use, something the manufacturer fails to mention. Do yourself a favor and invest a few extra bucks in a less frightful form of anal toy, get a soft rubber bead, or at least one with a nylon string and no knots.
The Penisator
As the name would suggest, this vibrator is meant to be worn around the penis, either with the vibrator at the top to provide stimulation for a partner, or at the bottom to stimulate the scrotum. There are just a few design flaws that put the Penisator on the scary sex toy list. First of all, the inexpensive motor is inserted into the plastic casing without any padding or insulation, making this relatively small toy sound a bit like a jackhammer (if it were made out of plastic). The vibration can only be described as harsh and punishing (at this point you may be seeing the appeal of this toy for some). Second, the hard plastic ring has an opening that pinches the skin, repeatedly, and painfully. It’s more of a trap than a toy.
Masque
The newest product to make it on our scary sex toy list is a frightening idea more than a danger to your body. It is a flavor strip that you are meant to put in your mouth, let it dissolve and then it makes it easier for you to swallow semen when giving a blow job. Because we all know that great sex is about doing things you don’t want to do. I wonder if this company’s next product will be a bottle of vodka, and they will market it as a great way to have sex without pain or embarrassment.
Realistic “Kyle”
There are so many legitimate critiques of the world of “real feel” masturbation products that come in a dizzying array of shapes, sizes, and representations, that I find myself disappointed at the ableist undertones of many of the “there’s no arms” comments. But as Searah points out, what is really ghoulish here are those eyes, staring up at you, and “he whole skin-hair look” which you can’t totally make out in this photo. But trust me, it’s chilling.
