“How can I tell if he thinks I’m selfish in bed? I was wondering if guys like being the one to be doing more of the kissing and caressing or if it should be more even. I’m not one to shy away from giving a blow job, but he keeps trying to get it backup for round two and I feel like I get caught up in my own sexual pleasure and I zone out the fact that he might want some too, and when it comes to mind I try to do the stuff he likes but I don’t do it nearly as much as he does. Also I have no clue how I’m supposed to jerk or blow him when he’s soft, so I feel like a selfish bitch just sitting there.”
Well it doesn’t sound like you are actually just sitting there. It sounds like you are doing something pretty important; feeling pleasure. I know what you mean of course, but I want to point out that the way we talk about sex doesn’t always match the way we have it. We tend to talk about sexual activities as if there’s an active person (doing things to produce pleasure) and a passive person (who is feeling pleasure). But feeling sexual pleasure is far from a passive act. In fact for a lot of us it takes work to even get there. But that’s a bit of a tangent.
The first part of your question has a simple answer, even if it isn’t an easy one. If you want to know what your boyfriend thinks of you in bed, ask him (remember, I didn’t say it would be easy). If you want an honest answer and not just reassurance that everything is fine, you should probably preface your question by saying you really want to know how he feels, that you aren’t going to explode if he says something you might not like, and if you are upset you promise to take responsibility for it and not take it out on him.
And then ask him. The answer you’ll get will depend on many things (your relationship, the place and time you ask, how he feels that day and that minute). But at least you’ll have one answer.
You might start the conversation by talking about how you feel. Share with him what you have told me; that you feel like he is very attentive sexually, that you appreciate that, and that sometimes you feel selfish. If you feel like this is a good relationship and you feel safe, then disclosing some of your own feelings may be a good way of helping him open up to you.
As far as your question about whether guys like to be the active ones, it’s my experience that this has more to do with individual histories and relationship dynamics than it does solely with gender norms. We are, of course, all influenced by binary gender norms, about what it means to be a man or a woman, masculine or feminine. And even though there are more than two options and most of us experience gender as something more complicated, the rules about sex are ingrained in us early and often.
But just because most people grow up with the idea that guys are supposed to initiate sex and do more of the work doesn’t mean that anyone actually agrees with or likes that idea. And it certainly doesn’t mean it’s the way we want things to happen in our own sex lives. So to answer your question we need to know more about this particular guy.
Some guys like to initiate, others prefer to be absolutely ravished. In my experience most people want some sort of balance in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean the balance is always in bed. It might be that sexually one partner gets more turned on by giving pleasure, but that the other partner loves making dinner, or fixing things around the house, as a way of bringing something nice to the relationship. Our sex lives are always linked to the rest of our lives, so it can be helpful sometimes to think about your relationship as a whole and not just the sexual activities, who does what, etc…
To your last question about what you can do while he’s busy trying to get another erection. It’s true that there’s an art to playing with a small penis, but it’s one everyone can learn. First though you need to know if he even wants you to. The time in between erections is referred to as the refractory period. It’s different for everyone, but during that time he won’t get an erection regardless of what you do. And if he just recently had an orgasm and ejaculated his penis may be very sensitive and he may not want stimulation. Or he might. You could try to find out by giving it a try, or you could ask.
