What is Polyamory?
Polyamory refers to “loving more than one person”. The love could be sexual, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and all of the above. People who identify as polyamorous often point out that Western definitions and requirements of love are narrow and unrealistic. That we all love many different people in many different ways, and polyamory is just an acknowledgment of something that already happens.
However polyamory often does involve having more than one sexual relationship, and is usually referred to as being about having multiple “romantic” relationships.
Polyamorous is a term some people use to describe themselves when they are consciously choosing to be open to having more than one sexual and emotional relationship at the same time. People who call themselves polyamorous may or may not currently be in multiple relationships (they may be in no relationships at all) but use the broad term to identify themselves as being open to the possibilities of multiple relationships.
Polyamory is about how and who you love and choose to be in relationships with, so people who identify as polyamorous may also identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or otherwise, and their identification as polyamorous doesn’t tell you anything about their other sexual or gender identifications.
Polyamory is usually associated with honesty, integrity, and openness of communication between partners.
In this way it is absolutely distinct from cheating or infidelity. And because polyamory has a focus on relationships many people distinguish it from non-monogamy.
Isn’t polyamory just a Latin word for cheating
Absolutely not (plus, apparently polyamory is both Latin and Greek). One of the most important distinctions between polyamory and “cheating” is that polyamorous relationships are based on open, honest communications.
Cheating usually refers to having sex with someone who isn’t your partner when you are in a monogamous relationship. But the tricky thing about most monogamous relationships is that partners rarely talk openly and honestly about their feelings and desires regarding sex outside a relationship.
On the surface, monogamy is understood to mean you’ll never have sex with anyone other than your partner. In reality many people have casual sex, or end up temporarily swinging, or simply “make a mistake” and relationships continue.
Polyamory is fundamentally different from this approach, as it requires partners to talk about all aspects of their relationships, what they want, how they feel, and what their specific expectations are. Ideally, partners in a polyamorous relationship will also be respectful of the fact that needs and desires change over time, and relationship “rules” must be flexible.
Is polyamory the same thing as swinging?
Polyamory is very different from swinging. While swinging is considered an “alternative lifestyle” (in fact swingers like to just refer to it as The Lifestyle) it is different from polyamory in several ways.
Swinging is mostly about sex, and usually takes place as a recreational and social activity between couples who are committed to being in a single romantic, emotional relationship, but enjoy having recreational sex with other people.
Swingers tend to be heterosexual, and have specific rules around sexual orientation, where women can have sex with either women or men outside the primary relationship, but men can only have sex with women.
For many people who are polyamorous, polyamory is as much, if not more, about the emotional relationships they have with others, than the sexual relationships. And sexuality is not identified as being specifically “recreational” in polyamorous relationships as it is in swinging relationships.
Do polyamorous people get jealous?
Some polyamorous people get jealous, some don’t. Just as some people in monogamous relationships get jealous and others don’t.
It is probably safe to say that jealousy does come up for most people at some point. The difference between polyamory and possessive monogamy, is that people who are polyamorous don’t consider jealousy as proof of love (“if you really loved me, you’d be jealous”).
Instead they see jealousy as a difficult reaction that needs to be thought about, talked about, and dealt with in some way.
Being polyamorous doesn’t mean you can’t feel jealousy, nor does it mean you have to deal with jealousy on your own. In a polyamorous relationship you and your partner(s) will talk about what happens when one, some, or all of you feel jealous. It may be an indication that someone is feeling left out, and that can be addressed. It may be an indication that there isn’t enough communication, which can also be addressed.
It is very important for people in polyamorous relationships to be aware of their jealousy and not to minimize it or ignore it.
How are Polyamorous Relationships Structured?
Describing polyamorous relationships is almost impossible because part of the point of polyamory is that the “rules”, boundaries, and shape of the relationship grows out of the people who are in the relationship. It’s like mixing up the relationship DNA of the individuals involved (but without the messy genetic questions!)
Some polyamorous relationships are centered on one “primary relationship” that takes precedence over other “secondary” ones.
In some relationships there will be rules about who sees who on which day. Some relationships have a rule about always “coming home” (so you may have other partners, but you live with one of them, and you both always end up at home at the end of the day).
The web is a great place to learn about the infinite possibilities (to quote one of the great books on the subject of polyamory). Both Loving More Magazine and the Polyamory Society have links to lots of stories, message boards, and discussion groups for people interested in learning more about polyamory.
Which is Harder: Polyamory or Monogamy?
There is no one answer to this question. Polyamory is exactly as much or as little work as monogamy is. While it may sound strange to you if it is a new concept, polyamory is just a different kind of relationship, but it’s still a relationship.
Some people ignore their relationships, or take them for granted, or just coast along even when they aren’t happy.
If you do this you might say that your relationship isn’t a lot of work.
It would probably be harder to do this if you are polyamorous and have several partners (there’s a greater chance someone will call you on it). But it’s not impossible, and some people do structure their relationships in such a way to avoid confrontation and commitment.
On the other hand, polyamory is likely a greater time commitment because you may have several partners to negotiate with at any given time.
Also, polyamory is traditionally much more “in your face” about issues of boundaries, jealousy, and communication, than monogamy is.
Probably the best answer to this question is that having any kind of relationship be successful, be a place where you feel safe to express yourself fully, to grow, to take risks, and to feel at home, is VERY difficult.
The difference between polyamory and monogamy may be one more “fit” than of quantifiable value. Meaning there are some people for whom a “poly” relationship is a better fit, and others for whom monogamy is a better way to go.
