Why is it so hard to talk about sex? Embarrassment and shame? Sure. Ignorance and lack of vocabulary? Probably. Fear? Of course.
For most of us it’s a combination of some, or all, of the above. But there’s something else that makes talking openly about sex much, much harder to do. And that’s other people.
We aren’t the only ones dealing with fear, shame, and the like. Everyone else is struggling with the same things we are, and when two people come together and try to talk about sex, it doesn’t just get messy, it gets loud.
Thinking about sex for ourselves can sometimes feel like shouting into an echo chamber. You think you have one issue, but as soon as you begin to talk about it, hundreds more come bouncing back, filling your head. Once someone else is involved it’s like both of you are shouting into the same canyon at the same time.
It’s the difference between a racket and a cacophony. The first is annoying. The second makes it impossible to think.
As a result, conversations often get shut down before they really get anywhere. If your goal is to try and better understand your own sexuality or to communicate that to your partner (or a friend), the trick is to try and not let the conversation shut down just because you both are carrying so much baggage around.
On bestblowjobmachines.com we have lots of tips for dealing with your own sexual past. So here’s a short guide on dealing with other people’s sexual baggage.
We All Carry Sexual Baggage
Our first mistake is thinking that other people are having (or have had) better sex than we have.
We also assume that our sexual hangups are bigger/worse/more shameful than everyone else’s. When we approach a sexual encounter or conversation with the assumption that we’re the neurotic one, that we are the one holding sexual secrets, that we’re the one that feels less desirable, less lovable, we separate ourselves from the very person we’re trying to connect with.
We are also ignoring all the issues that other people bring to sexual conversations or sexual interactions.
It’s easy to label the person who brings up a sexual concern as the one with the problem. But if there’s a problem in a relationship, the problem is shared, and instead of assigning blame or taking sides, a better way to keep the conversation going is to simply acknowledge that even though your baggage may look different, and you each carry that weight in your own way, you both have it.
We Call It Baggage for a Reason
We don’t usually talk about the sparkly fanny pack or cool laptop case full of past sexual experiences, beliefs, and values. We call it baggage because it’s big, and heavy, and scuffed on the bottom from years of dragging it behind us without a lot of help.
Hopefully we’ve accumulated some positive experiences, but let’s face it, a lot of what we get growing up are negative messages about our bodies, our gender, our sexuality. And many of us also have experiences with violence and coercion, that weigh our bags down, as if they were full of rocks.
Don’t belittle the idea of sexual baggage, or think about it as something you or your partner should be able to just “get over” or just leave by the side of the road.
Open Up the Bags Before You Unpack
Cataloguing the detailed contents of your sexual baggage can be overwhelming and it may not feel, or even be, safe to do with a partner. One way we defend against this is by shutting down conversations through quick and harsh judgments.
Let’s say your partner introduces the idea of using a sex toy together, and you have a quick, very negative reaction. Your reaction doesn’t just communicate how you feel about the idea of sex toys, it also shuts down conversation.
If instead you were able to say something about where your negative reaction comes from (e.g. something about how you were raised, or past experiences, or your own lack of knowledge) and also share your reaction, it opens up conversation. It’s like opening your bags up a bit and just saying to your partner, “Hey, see all this stuff that I’m dealing with? Here’s why I’m not into that particular sexual suggestion at the moment”.
Different Bags, Different Weights
It is also important to acknowledge that not all our baggage weighs the same, and part of this depends on things like gender, race, and class. If a man boasts about the number of people he’s slept with, he’s generally thought of as a sexual success (a stud, a player, etc…). If a woman does the same she’s considered a slut. When a trans woman tries to talk in public about her sexuality it’s a topic of fascination as if there is something inherently exotic or strange about her.
Growing up, we sexually socialize black children differently than white children. This can be hard stuff to acknowledge. Most people don’t want their conversation about sex to turn into a conversation about racism, but if we’re going to be honest with each other, it’s going to happen.
We all have experiences of being sexually repressed and oppressed. Dealing with other people’s sexual baggage should never turn into a contest of who is more oppressed. If we instead acknowledge that the same experience will feel different and weigh on us differently depending on the context of our lives, we can keep the conversation open.
Carrying and Shifting the Weight, Together
The bottom line is that any of us who has survived into adulthood comes with a sexual history that isn’t all sunshine and roses. Part of what can be so empowering and healing about being in a healthy sexual relationship is that we can begin to share the weight, not only asking our partners to help us carry some of what we arrived with, but through the process of unpacking and possibly putting some of what was in our baggage away, so that even if it’s still with us, it doesn’t weigh us down quite so much.
The danger is that the one who wants to start the conversation can become a kind of porter for all this baggage. And it’s hard work to try and stack the suitcases and duffel bags properly, to carry them from the door to the car, to figure out where they go once you’ve got everyone together. Plus it gets annoying when everyone forgets to tip.
