Maybe you met someone in a chat room, through friends on Facebook, or noticed their Instagram feed. It started off innocently – you had a common interest, and it only made sense to keep on communicating. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, you realize you’re spending a lot more time online these days talking to this person. Are you cheating, or just friends? Let’s take a peek at some ways to figure out if you’ve crossed the line.
How Often Do You Communicate?
Hourly, daily, weekly, rarely? Perhaps it’s just a quick email, or maybe it’s more along the lines of a prolonged chat that lasts the entire day. If most of your talks fall into the short, functional conversation category (“Did you get the address for the museum?”), there’s little to worry about. The long and drawn out texts, comments, emails and/or posts demonstrate an investment of time, emotion and energy however. If you’re firmly entrenched in the constant communication category, I’d definitely send out some warning bells.
Does this online person know about your partner, your relationship, your job, hopes, dreams, reality? Do the two of you share more with each other than you or anyone else? Are there things you know about them that no one else does, even if they’re less than positive? Think about it: would you want your partner to talk about the intimate details of your life together (the good and not-so-great), with someone they only knew online? If you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve wished your partner listened, understood or accepted you as your online friend does, you’ve not only toed the line, you’ve jumped over it.
Are You Talking About Sex Or Romance?
While it might seem harmless to discuss with a “friend” what you like in bed, what your fantasy Valentine’s Day would look like, or ways to woo a lover, it bodes poorly for the dating relationship you’re committed to. If you even want to discuss these things with an online friend you might push it in some relationships – do you really think it’s okay for your partner to chat online with a relative stranger about their sexual likes and dislikes? If they want to, does that not imply that they’ve built something with this person to share intimacies? Of course there’s no thought police (thanks Orwell), yet at the same time, if you’d rather talk sex or romance with an online buddy than your boyfriend or girlfriend, there’s a serious problem.
You KNOW, Don’t You?
If you know in your heart of hearts that what you’re doing will upset or embarrass your partner, you’re likely cheating – even if it’s only emotional. Just because you have yet to meet, there’s zero physical contact, or the “I Love You’s” have yet to come from either of your mouths means little. If you feel the need to hide your actions or refuse to talk about the person openly with your partner – you know. Defining infidelity might be another conversation topic, but let’s be blunt here: you know if you’re being less than honest with yourself and your partner about this person you’re talking to online.
So Now What?
If you’re in the clear, then I’d breathe a sigh of relief and maybe create some healthy boundaries with your online friend. I’d also suggest having a chat with your partner about what’s happened, and perhaps discuss some healthy boundaries there as well.
If however you feel you’ve crossed a line or things have gone too far, it’s time to really ponder your choices – which needs a separate article to discuss fully.
