He or she may say a picture is worth a thousand words, but in the bedroom the sound of a lover’s voice can turn us on, bring us closer together, and charge our sex lives with a new element of fantasy and communication. Imagine the power the sound of your lover’s voice has over the telephone when you’re separated by distance, and then imagine that voice, stripped raw in the passion of the moment, telling you all the naughty, beautiful or emotional things you’ve always wanted to hear. We get goosebumps just thinking about it!
Sex is about all five senses, but too often we forget about the audible needs of our lovers. While it’s natural and easy to touch, taste, smell and see each other during lovemaking, you have to make a conscious effort to really sexually satisfy the sense of hearing. And sex is, as we all know, as much about the mind as it is about the body. Bringing an element of speaking to your partner during lovemaking can arouse his or her mind more quickly and powerfully than anything else, bringing out sides of him or her in bed that you may not have seen before!
If you’ve never experimented with turning your lover on with your voice, we recommend trying it. But there are some things you should keep in mind! Try to get a sense for how far your partner will be comfortable with your taking the dirty talk. In particular, while many women love being talked to with a naughty tone in bed, many surveys report that women also tend to be more self-conscious when men praise their bodies or actions during sex. To help you out with this, we’ve suggested four different levels of dirty talk below, so you can ease into this practice and get comfortable along the way. Also, and most importantly, do not rehearse what you are planning to say to your lover in bed! Nothing is going to be more of an instant turn-off (to most people) than if you sound like a rehearsed porn film! We’re not denying that for some couples, role-playing that you are adult film stars is a great turn-on, but for most people, much of the arousal factor in talking dirty is the spontaneity of it. Let your fantasies come out of your mouth naturally. Let go of your inhibitions and trust that the person you’re with is going to be just as turned on by your honesty as you are!
Talking Dirty to Turn On Your Lover vs. Sharing Intimate Thoughts
Just so we’re clear here, “I want you to touch me here because it makes me hot” is talking dirty to turn on your lover. “I love you so much it hurts me every minute I’m away from you” is sharing an intimate thought in bed. Both of these techniques can enhance your lovemaking. The decision on which to use really depends on both your partner and the effect you’re going for.
Talking dirty to turn on your lover often results in wilder sex that revolves a little more around fantasy. Sharing intimate thoughts can make your sex more impassioned and emotional. Talking dirty to turn on your partner is a good way to show and tell each other what you’ve been wanting the other to do in bed, while sharing intimate thoughts can be a great tool for telling each other how much you care, without many of the inhibitions of daily life. Just remember, the power of something said in bed is only as strong as the actions you use to back it up the next morning! Don’t tell your lover you can’t imagine being away from him or her for a minute if you’re planning to rush out the door at first light to go golfing or shopping. While talking and speaking to each other during lovemaking can enhance communication and sex, you shouldn’t say anything you wouldn’t be willing to repeat with the lights on.
How Brave Are You? Four Steps to Being an Accomplished Dirty Talker!
So you’re ready to break the silence barrier in bed? Perhaps, however, you’re not sure how your partner will react to it, or you’re not sure you’re ready to be brave enough to tackle the task! Try phasing yourself in by starting with the lightest step below and working your way up to Phase Four.
Phase One: Read Some Erotica Out Loud
There’s nothing safer to start with than using somebody else’s words. If you’re not ready to tell your partner your fantasies yourself, invest in an erotic book and try reading your lover a story at bedtime. We’d suggest getting a collection of stories like The Erotic Edge or Delta of Venus. Both of these books are proven classics, and if you read through the stories you’ll probably find one that describes a fantasy you have! Try reading that one out loud and seeing how your partner responds. If your partner enjoys the erotic reading (before bedtime is always best!), let him or her take the book and pick out the next story he or she’d like to have read to them. You may even want to set the mood with some candles and wine to create a more seductive atmosphere. Eventually, you may even want to work up to writing your own erotica and reading it out loud to each other!
Phase Two: The Naughty Call at Work
So you’re ready to really tell your lover what you want to do to him or her, but you’re scared you’ll blush and ruin the whole thing? Why do you think telephones were invented? Yes, we all know that millions of telemarketing companies across the nation think they were invented just to interrupt you at dinnertime, but in reality telephones were designed to be an erotic tool! Imagine your lover sitting at his or her desk, in the middle of the day, counting down the hours until 5:00 pm. Instead, you call, and while you tell your lover what you’re planning to do to him or her and where you’re planning to touch them when they get home, your sweetie has to sit there pretending to care about his or her computer screen! Some tips for the perfect erotic phone call:
- Don’t call right before lunch! Hunger pains and sexy talk sometimes don’t mix well.
- Try describing, step by step, the sex you’re fantasizing about having with him or her later.
- If you’re really naughty, describe to your lover what you’re doing to yourself while you talk to him or her on the phone (and we don’t mean tell them about how you’re cleaning the plaque off your teeth!)
Turn off the TV or radio! Your lover will not find it sexy if Ricki Lake is talking in the background while you’re describing what you want to do with your mouth. You should actually make sure any extraneous background sounds are gone, and no matter what you do, don’t run the vacuum or cook a meal in the microwave while you’re talking dirty on the phone! You want to build up a fantasy, not get your lover thinking that you’re running around the house in sweatpants while cleaning the refrigerator.
Don’t make promises you’re not going to keep! Don’t tell your lover on the phone that you want to do something to him or her when you know you’ll never actually want to do that! That’s not fair, and called teasing!
Finally, you’ll talk sexier if you feel sexy. Put on some music or wear something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Phase Three: Praise Your Partner’s Body
If you’ve made it through the first two phases, or you’re just sure your lover is ready for you to start talking dirty, it’s time to bring your voice into the bedroom (or wherever you and your partner like to play). But take it slow – if your partner isn’t used to hearing your voice during sex, it might be best to start out with complimenting him or her to get them relaxed and comfortable with this new sexual element. Tell him or her how much you love their various body parts, their eyes, the way your partner looks at you when you make love, and the way he or she smells. Praise all the things about him or her you really do love, and praise those body parts while caressing or kissing them. Remember, though, there’s always the chance that this will make your partner self conscious, so stay aware. Pay attention to how your partner is reacting. Is he or she responding and getting excited or are they giggling and seeming uncomfortable? If he or she seems to be responding well, you should definitely keep going, but if you’re not sure, it never hurts to ask them. A simple question like, “Do you like what I’m saying to you or do you want me to stop?” whispered into your partner’s ear can not only show him or her that you’re concerned about making sure they enjoy the experience and are relaxed, but also lets you know if you’re on the right track. Chances are your lover will be flattered and aroused by what’s coming out of your mouth.
Phase Four: Let’s Get Naughty
Okay, this is the big one, to be tried only when you’re sure your partner is ready for it. This is when you start talking dirty. One note, by the way: when you’re talking about sexual acts with your partner in bed, you should use the words that will really turn you both on. If more hard-core words for sexual acts get you going, use those. But if softer descriptions are more comfortable, stick to those. There are four ways to go here:
- What I’m Going To Do: This is a popular one. In this dirty talk scenario, you tell your lover what you’re going to do to his or her body before you do it, for example, “Now I’m going to gently bite your neck“. This allows them to anticipate what’s coming next, and this technique works even better if you have him or her close their eyes while you do it.
- What I Am Doing to You Now: Just another variation of the above, but with this one, instead of giving your lover warning, you simply verbally state what you’re doing. You’d be surprised how much more erotic licking your partner is when you’re saying what you’re doing at the same time.
- What I’d Like You to Do: What’s the easiest way to get your partner to tell you what he or she wants in bed? Ask them. “Tell me how you like it“, or “Tell me what you want me to do to you“, will open the door to your partner telling you what he or she wants, and with any luck you’ll grow from there to having them tell you without your asking.
- How You’re Making Me Feel: Sometimes knowing that you’re reacting to what’s going on in the bedroom can make your lover even more aroused. Start with the simple, “You make me feel so good” or “You feel so good to me“, and work up from there.
The most important thing to remember with talking dirty is that it’s supposed to be comfortable and exciting for both parties. Pay attention to how your partner is responding to you (you should always be doing that anyway!), and you’ll know how far to take it. Forget about silence being golden – a little talking can be orgasmic!
