The person who can get through life without conflict has yet to be born. Conflicts in communication can result from off-hand remarks, deliberate attacks or genuine misunderstandings. The result can be misery, stress, depression, loss of sleep, etc, all of which may serve to escalate already tense and often unnecessary situations. Despite best efforts, and maybe for no fault of your own, breakdowns in communication will happen.
The strategy you choose to remedy the situation is key to conflict resolution.
Styles That Don’t Properly Resolve Conflict
Confrontation
This typically involves the demand of an apology from the other person or people involved and perhaps some form of compensation or redress for perceived wrongs. This approach to resolution is used by people who have high concerns for themselves and low concerns for others.
Avoidance
People who refuse to acknowledge a problem exists will use avoidance. Although they prefer to think this way they usually reduce their interaction with the ‘problem person’. Again, low concern for the other person and a wish to avoid any further conflict is often the motivation for this approach even though it may ultimately stir up more resentment.
Accommodation
Regardless of who is right or wrong, some people are so keen to end conflict that they will apologize and even accept blame. This person has low concern for themselves and high concern for others.
More Effective Conflict Resolution Styles
Compromise
This is a form of negotiation in which both parties agree to some form of resolution. Sometimes this will lead to an amicable outcome but it might lead to an uneasy truce in which both parties save face but on the basis of agreeing to disagree.
Collaborate
An approach which treats the need to repair the breakdown as an issue both parties need to solve together. This is probably the best approach for longer term resolution and one in which both parties have a vested interest. The approach may need to combine several elements such as:
- Forcing yourself to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.
- Accepting that initial inflexibility in others is usually a defense for emotional injuries sustained. However, most people are much more flexible and accommodating than our assumptions may allow.
- Keeping a lid on your emotions while the other person expresses their feelings. If you want to resolve conflict this is an important aspect. You are not required to accept their version as accurate (though you may) and you will need to accept some discomfort but not to the point of loss of face. This is a case of no pain, no gain.
- Apologizing for unacceptable behavior, such as swearing or banging the table, that may have resulted from the conflict but which may only have served to make things worse.
- Looking for ways outside of the immediate area of conflict to start rebuilding a relationship. These might be issues for which you both have a common interest (hobbies, children, activities). Once a connection is made it is easier to move towards addressing the real issue(s) of conflict.
