Arguing With Your Romantic Partner Can Actually Be A Good Thing!
Whether you’ve been married for ten years or have been dating for just ten weeks, you’ve argued with your significant other – and chances are, you’re going to argue again. But disagreements – no matter how insignificant or important – don’t need to damage your relationship. On the contrary, fights are actually opportunities to strengthen your understanding of each other.
Here are some tips to ensure that your next fight is anything but your last:
Stop Trying To “Win”
Either you both win or you both lose, so reframe your goals. Are you trying to make yourself heard or better understood? Are you trying to connect? Apologize? Prove yourself? Regardless of why you’re fighting, the first step is to recalibrate and understand that victory can only be shared together in the form of a stronger bond.
Don’t “Throw” The Fight, Either
Sometimes it’s easier to just relent and apologize because you don’t have the energy or time to see the argument through. Maybe you want to get back to watching the big game, get on with your plans, or simply pretend it didn’t happen. But giving up on the fight will only bury the issue temporarily – until it rears a head even uglier than the last. If you disagree with your partner, say so and explain why. Communication will get you everywhere.
Listen Closely
No matter how upset or angry you are, you have to give your spouse your complete attention and ask yourself, “What is he/she trying to tell me?”. If you’re unsure, paraphrase what you heard back to your significant other to verify your understanding.
Dig In
There’s no rule that you must stick to one issue throughout any dialogue. Sometimes a fight about one issue leads to others, too. Other times, you’ll think you’re fighting about one matter, when the conflict is really about something else. The discussion is universally about the relationship itself – so if other subjects bubble up, it’s better to deal with them than ignore them or delay another fight for a false sense of productivity. Coming to an understanding on a seemingly unrelated issue can also help illuminate the original topic you were fighting about.
Remember: fights aren’t necessarily linear or fluid. They can get messy and repetitive. Sometimes circular arguments are necessary to exhaust win-or-lose postures. Push past your egos and emotional barriers and a meaningful conversation is sure to follow. As long as you’re in agreement that you’re both worth the tears, patience will carry you through.
Finish The Fight
Most important of all is to commit: see the conflict through until you’ve both gotten everything out and agree that you both understand and love each other. Don’t let it simmer or drag on. Definitely don’t sleep on it. Always finish it. How will you know when it’s over? When you’re both happy again and ready to forge ahead together.
Bottom Line
Whether or not we fight doesn’t determine the fate of our relationships – but how we fight does. Follow the rules above, and before long you’ll find that you’re not really fighting at all: you’re pausing to communicate, connect, and move forward more effectively.
