What To Do When You’re Not Happy With Your Partner’s New Look Or Bad Habit
Have you been dying to ask your boyfriend to shave that sex-offendery moustache, but are too worried about how he’ll take the request? Or perhaps your girlfriend’s incessant whistling of One Direction songs is slowly driving you up the wall? Broaching such touchy topics without tact and sensitivity can result in some serious friction. Here are the four categories of problems you might have with your significant other, and how to best address each of them:
Superficial Appearance
When your partner comes home with a new fashion statement, the sudden change can be jarring, and not always in line with your own personal taste. And yet, while you might not approve of your girlfriend’s “Charlene Theron ala Mad Max” hairdo, or your boyfriend’s new 24k gold mouth grill, you also don’t want to hurt his or her feelings. Try to keep your comments positive by vocally (but casually) supporting a look that you prefer. For example, “Oh, that’s cool! But I liked how you looked without [that other style], too”. Subtlety is all you need to get the message across.
Health
Critiquing a partner can be even more difficult when the change isn’t voluntary, but a function of aging or poor lifestyle choices, as in the cases of weight gain, bad breath, or hair loss. In all of these situations, you must be sensitive to the fact that your partner might have less control over the change than even he or she wishes to have. So try to motivate your partner by taking initiative in your own life: for example, announce that you’re planning on hitting the gym, and extend an invitation for your partner to join.
Or chew a piece of gum and offer one to your significant other. If the issue persists, and you’ve been dating for a longer period of time, don’t be afraid to open a serious – but compassionate – dialogue about your concerns for the person you love so much.
Bad Habit
If the problem is a practice your partner has developed over time – such as drinking too much, or showing up increasingly late for dates and appointments – you must also address it head on with a supportive discussion. On the other hand, if the habit existed before the relationship began – such as smoking, or kissing like a dying fish – the timing of the intervention is absolutely crucial. Broach the subject too soon, and you risk freaking out or turning off your partner; wait too long, and he or she will be humiliated that you hid your disapproval for such an extensive period of time. As soon as a baseline of trust and respect for one another has been established, begin pointing out the elements of your partner’s behavior that you do appreciate (e.g. “I like it when you kiss with less tongue!”).
Personality
Finally, personality traits that rub you and/or others the wrong way really must be dealt with as soon as they surface as problems. You have no reason to wait when it comes to a partner who doesn’t listen, acts rudely, or speaks ignorantly about any topic or group of people. Make it immediately clear that the conduct bothers you, and offer some ways that your partner can change. If your message goes unreceived, you’ll have to make the difficult decision as to whether such a personality flaw is worth putting up with or not. (Tip: If abuse or blind intolerance are involved, I recommend moving on.).
