In the 1950s the psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott, who may be best known for describing the phenomenon of the transitional object (aka your childhood security blanket), described the concept of the “good enough mother”.
The good enough mother (or parent) is in some ways a response to the oppressive mythology of a perfect parent, a parent that always does and says the right thing, a parent who leaves their child 100% ready for the world and without any emotional or psychological neuroses.
A fiction.
The good enough parent makes mistakes, a lot of them, but is, simply put, good enough. Winnicott pointed out that having a good enough parent gives a child the opportunity to learn how to adapt and handle an imperfect world, which comes in handy since that’s the world we live in. Not only is the idea of the perfect parent not attainable, it is, in Winnicott’s thinking, not ever desirable.
The connection may not be obvious to everyone but when I first heard about the “good enough parent” I immediately wondered how it might apply to sex. After all, the same oppressive ideas (and fictions) of perfection that rule the playground also rule the bedroom (or kitchen, or wherever you have sex).
These days we’re all supposed to be having sex all the time, sex that is amazing with a capital A. I often hear from people who are having what sound like perfectly lovely sex lives but who are nonetheless convinced they are missing something. And I worked for years in sex shops where the pressure to perform (even for ourselves) was readily commodified.
I find all this pressure is a big problem for my own sex life and maybe it’s because I’m Canadian but I really don’t have an interest in having the best sex life ever. A regular sex life will do.
With that in mind I thought I’d offer a first draft of what “good enough sex” would be. It’s not finished, it’s not fancy, but hopefully it’s a good start.
Good Enough Sex Isn’t Coercive
This might seem like a very low bar, but lots of us don’t meet it because of the violence in our lives and communities. Good enough sex may not always begin with someone raising their hand and eagerly shouting “ooh, pick me! pick me!” but it should be sex you choose to have. Whether you regret it later is another story. Not every sexual encounter will be one we look back on with a warm glow. Good enough sex might be sex you later wish you didn’t have, but when you were having it, you were doing so by choice and without duress.
Good Enough Sex Includes Moments of Pleasure
You might not have an orgasm, there may not be a moment where you transcend this plane of existence, it may not even be a complete sexual experience (however you define it). But good enough sex should include at least a few moments of feeling good. That might mean feeling relaxed, or pleasurable tension, it might mean just a moment where you can appreciate the small miracle that is your body feeling pleasure.
Good Enough Sex Leaves Us With Something We Wanted
If all you get out of a sexual experience is knowing what you want more or less next time, you may have had good enough sex. Maybe you are left with a fond memory, an entry into or an exit of a relationship you wanted to change, a funny or awkward story to tell later. It doesn’t need to be a game changer, but good enough sex still leaves us with something more than before we had it.
Good Enough Sex Doesn’t Leave Us With Anything We Didn’t Want
No hickeys, bruises, or scars we didn’t ask for. No STDs we didn’t plan on having. No pregnancies we didn’t want. Even if good enough sex may be the kind of sex we decide we don’t want to have again, it shouldn’t be the kind of sex that leaves us with a regret that lingers in the form of unwanted physical pain, discomfort, or burden.
Good Enough Sex Connects Us
At its core sex is about a kind of connection. Sex may connect us to the person we’re having sex with. Sex may connect us to ourselves (either because we’re the person we’re having sex with or because the sex we’re having with another person isn’t really about that other person). It might open up awareness of our bodies, our minds, our spirits.
Good enough sex doesn’t have to do more than one of these things, and it doesn’t have to do it for the entire sexual encounter. Good enough sex might just offer a glimpse of connection. The connection may be mediated through technology or through other people. Good enough sex isn’t about some “true” connection that only happens for certain bodies in certain ways.
But in a world where we are increasingly disconnected from each other’s (and our own) bodies, good enough sex is good enough precisely because it offers a moment of some sort of connection.
