The holiday season, we’re told, is all about giving. It’s a time for family, overspending, overeating, miracles, and occasional acts of charity. When you close your eyes and think of Christmas, sex may not be the first thing that comes to mind. But, setting aside the fact that not all of us even celebrate it, is there a place for sexual giving and receiving in the Christmas Story?
Like it or not, the answer is yes.
Humans are sexual beings and sex is part of our everyday lives; Christmas included. Sex talk often gets lost around Christmas time, maybe because stress, too much alcohol, and spending time with your extended family are not the greatest aphrodisiacs.
It’s too bad, because sex can be one of those things that can keep us going through the holidays. It can be an amazing pick-me-up after a five-hour dinner with your older-brother-who-insists-on-controlling-your-life-passive-aggressively, or a tantalizing expectation to get through one more night with your aunt-who-drinks-too-much-and-over-shares.
But to be helpful, sex around Christmas time usually requires forethought and planning lest you end up with a painful pine-needle related trip to the ER, or a difficult-to-explain shortage of egg nog.
To inspire you to plan ahead, consider these simple and effective Christmas sex survival tips:
1. First Rule Of Christmas Sex: Love Thyself
Our first, longest, and most consistent sexual relationship is with ourselves. You might wait until after Christmas to buy yourself a present, but don’t wait until the holidays are over to show yourself some love. Whether or not you have someone else to have sex with over the holidays, you should make liberal use of masturbation as a form of stress relief, distraction, and therapy. Masturbation can also be very quick and very quiet sex, making it a versatile choice over the holidays.
2. Practice Quiet Sex
Christmas doesn’t have to mean no sex, even if you have limited privacy and time. The real trick is to maximize what you’ve got, and practice lots of quiet sex techniques. Sex over the holidays may not be the transcendent experience it is when you’re on vacation on a deserted beach, but with a little imagination, planning, and discretion, you can keep your sex life going right through to New Year’s Eve. The best part about this is that you can start practicing now, and consider it homework for the holidays.
3. To Hide Or Not To Hide, That Is The Question.
Most people are aware of the concept of “coming out” as gay/lesbian/bisexual to family, but you may neglect to consider the ways you hide other aspects of your sexual personae from family and friends. You should never feel obligated to reveal parts of your sexual life to family, nor should sexual shame lead you to feeling like you have to hide it. If you want to keep something secret, clean up. If you want to make it public, then talk about it. In some cases, you might choose to more passively leave something to be “discovered” but keep in mind that this can result in unpredictable reactions you may not want to deal with.
4. Clearing Out The Porn
Speaking of cleaning up… regardless of how open you want to be, if you’re having house guests, or traveling with your cell phone, laptop, or iPod, you should probably put the porn away. Nothing against porn, or even holiday porn consumption, but being exposed to pornography should be consensual, and flipping open your niece’s laptop to check movie times probably isn’t the time you want to learn about her talents as an amateur pornographer. Check out sex techie Violet Blue‘s guide to safe porn surfing which can help keep your computer free and clear of any unexpected pop ups or embarrassing banner ads.
5. Developing Christmas Sex Codes
Being constantly surrounded by people usually puts a cramp in relationship communication. One way couples combat this is to come up with conversational codes, words or phrases that mean very different things. Saying “ice cube” might mean “I’m really angry, and want to scream but can’t, so don’t bug me”, or saying “honeysuckle” might mean “Meet me in the bathroom, I need some quiet loving”.
One of the ways we get in trouble with our communication is when we have to talk in front of others and feel like we can’t be completely honest. Developing a code or sign can preempt a lot of miscommunication, and it can be sexy too! You can have fun developing your own codes, or you can consider borrowing from other cultures. If you don’t have anyone in your family who knows American Sign Language, you could take some time and learn a few sexual signs from ASL, or take a page from queer culture, and adopt your own version of the hanky codes (maybe instead of using actual handkerchiefs, you could have sweater or socks color codes).
