One Woman’s Account Of Dating An Emotionally Challenged Guy
We experience so many amazing feelings as a relationship takes shape: the butterflies that come with every text; the excitement of getting to intimately know a person with each late night conversation. By the time exclusivity is established, we usually feel like we have a pretty good idea of how our boyfriend or girlfriend spends each day, what he or she likes to eat, and which side of the bed he or she prefers.
But some things are never as apparent even a month or two into dating someone.
Sure, everyone has quirks: I once dated a guy who always asked for extra pickles on everything he ordered, hamburgers and tacos alike. But we shared a love for 80s sitcoms and Elvis Costello, so I was able to look past his bizarre obsession. Weird can be good.
Sometimes, however, the “weirdness” is more than the product of a few quirks, as in the case of the guy I dated who turned out to be addicted to Oxycontin. Although he often seemed super sleepy, he made up for it with his funny and eccentric personality, and I fell for him super hard. After a month or so, though, I began to notice that he took pills randomly throughout the day. Perhaps they were antidepressants, I reasoned. After all, we were in our twenties working at a record label, and it seemed like everyone was taking something to deal with the stress. I shrugged it off until one evening, when he fell asleep mid-conversation, almost cartoon-like. A few days later, he was snorting Oxys in front of me, and I’d had enough of the “weirdness”.
When that relationship was over, I swore to myself that I would always know whom I was dating. Mental health became more important to me than how any potential suitor looked or what kind of family he came from.
Flash forward to a few years later, when I started dating a socially awkward guy with a lack of empathy, a habit of fixating on particular subjects ad nauseam, and what came across as a superiority complex. Before kicking him to the curb, though, I started researching his odd characteristics. Of course, Googling mental health is a lot of diagnosing a stomach ache online: after a few minutes you’ve determined the cause is a cancerous tumor and four STDs.
Thankfully, an experienced Psychologist friend who came to dinner with us one night called me afterwards to tell me that she was fairly certain that this man had Asperger’s Syndrome. The only thing I knew about Asperger’s was from Rain Man, and my guy was nothing like Dustin Hoffman. He was a fully functioning, successful individual who didn’t have any noticeable weird ticks and wasn’t able to count thousands of toothpicks in under a minute. I read up on the disorder to learn more.
While dating someone with Asperger’s was definitely challenging, it helped to have an explanation for his behavior. When he didn’t show emotion or affection as easily as other guys I had dated, I didn’t take it personally and jump ship. In fact, he’s now my husband! While some people are definitely toxic and not worthy of being your partner, other “oddballs” are worth the work. Though their behavior may not be “normal”, there might be a good explanation for it.
Of course, being married to a man with Asperger’s is not without its challenges. I listen to him talk meticulously about details of his job, and must be hyper-aware of when he needs alone time. I’m the creative, eccentric, outgoing type and he is detailed, methodical, and introverted, but we balance each other out well.
Mental disorders are extremely common, affecting tens of millions of Americans each year. But only about half of those affected receive treatment. So if you think that the person you’re dating has a mental health issue and you want to make the relationship work, you can and should give it one good shot (as long as his or her condition is not putting you in danger). Do some research, ask questions, and try to truly understand your partner. You might just be the first person who has ever taken the time to do that for them – and that’s real love.
