Divorce can strike any couple at any time. Some people feel as though they are immune to divorce, especially as newlyweds who are still caught up in the flush of wedding excitement and usually extreme passion for one another. But even from the start of a marriage, there are subtle signs that you and your spouse could be headed for separation or divorce. While no one wants to pay attention to the possibility of divorce, especially when trying to retain the romance most often associated with newlyweds, it behooves couples to confront the possibility of divorce head on and make a plan from the beginning for staying together.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you’re heading for divorce:
Are you growing apart?
Recently, Rosie O’Donnell told readers of O Magazine that she and her partner Kelli Carpenter grew apart, which led to their divorce. Specifically, she discussed their diverging interests, which had them spending less and less time together. While every couple needs some time apart and individual hobbies are not necessarily a marriage killer, you have to find some fun things to do together, too. You must find some time to spend with one another, even if it’s just to talk. Otherwise, you will grow apart and become disconnected with each other’s lives. And this kind of separation can create an environment ripe for divorce.
Do you keep secrets from one another?
Secrets, such as who you are talking to on your cell phone or via e-mail, are big no-nos in the marriage. You and your spouse should be honest about what you’re doing, where you’re going, and who’s going to be with you. Once you start keeping secrets of that nature from one another, you could be headed for trouble.
Why wouldn’t you want your husband to know that you’re meeting up with an old high school friend, who is male, for drinks after work? If you don’t want him to know, it could be a sign that you feel a spark with this person and wonder if it will be more than just drinks. It’s an indication that this is a risky scenario, and you should not go.
When relationships start to sour, people start to wonder, “What if?” about exes and others they knew in the past. Often, this prompts them to reach out to those former friends and lovers. Although this kind of outreach starts out innocently enough and you think, “I’d just like to know how he or she is doing”, you are playing with fire. Often, the correspondence on Facebook or e-mail starts out with notes about what’s been happening since you last saw each other and quickly becomes about hopes, fears, and dreams. Once the emotional affair gets started, there’s always a chance you could be tempted to meet in person and that could lead to a physical affair. Regardless, out of respect for your marriage, you should not even reach out to these people in the first place. Sometimes, those from your past should remain in your past. They served a beautiful purpose in your life, but they will only complicate matters now.
Where do you hang out when you’re not with your spouse?
An occasional night out with the boys or girls is all right, but you must consider where you are going. If you’re heading to bars and clubs that are notorious meet markets for singles, then you are risking your marriage. You have to be pretty strong to resist the temptation to dance or hook up with singles, many of whom don’t believe in marriage and don’t respect the institution (some of them are willing to cheat with married folk) and are looking for a good time with you.
These are not places for married people to frequent. If you want to go dancing, find a club with music you like that is less of a meat market and go with your spouse. Dance the night away together; that would be good for your marriage. For guy’s or girl’s night out, grab dinner or go bowling or some other activity you all enjoy that doesn’t throw temptation in front of you every two seconds.
Do you tell people you’re married?
Whether you wear your wedding ring isn’t as important as whether you tell people you’re married when your spouse isn’t around. Having a married persona and a single persona isn’t healthy and it can lead to trouble. If people don’t know you’re married and develop feelings for you, then you might send the wrong signals to this person. The singles might think you’re open to dating or even just hooking up. Next thing you know, a single person wants your number, you’re flattered, and an affair begins. Even if things haven’t gotten this far, and you find yourself not telling people you’re married, you have to ask yourself, “Why?” You might have a problem with commitment, and frankly it’s late for that.
Once you’re married, you’re committed to another person. If you’re truly in love and happy with this decision, you’ll have no problem telling people about it. In fact, you’ll want the world to know.
Are you having an affair?
Once one of you begins an emotional or physical affair, the marriage is in serious trouble. If you’re already in the middle of having an affair with someone else and have any hope for salvaging your marriage, you need to fess up to your spouse, end the affair and all communication with this other person, and attend counseling with your spouse to determine a plan for re-building trust. Frankly, affairs are just not worth it because even if you do all the right things after the affair to save your marriage, you still risk losing your spouse.
Are disagreements coming between the two of you?
Some fighting in a marriage is normal and healthy. But when you’re fighting all the time about every little thing or about the same subject, you risk building resentment. You stop having fun together. You might even quit having sex with one another because of the anger. It can also interfere with healthy and necessary communication. This particular sign does not have to mean the end of your marriage. You can try taking a step back and stepping into each other’s shoes to see the other perspective. And you might also see a marriage counselor, who can help you work out these issues in a more practical and rational manner.
How is your sex life?
Couples that have stopped having sex are at risk for divorce. There’s no question that touch and sex are an important part of a marriage. After all, you need to continuously build upon the intimacy in your relationship to ensure it doesn’t die. It’s the only way to stay close and connected to one another. When sex is lacking, it can make the person who wants that physical connection feel undesirable and inadequate. In addition, it can motivate some people to look for sex elsewhere, which further complicates the marriage.
