Is It Possible To Save A Relationship After Committing An Act Of Infidelity?
Maybe you got caught up in the heat of the moment. Maybe you’re not getting enough out of your relationship. Maybe you’re falling out of love – or in love with someone else. Whatever the reason may be, you cheated. And now you regret what you did, whether or not your partner knows yet.
Although you can’t change the past, you must reflect upon why you did it in order to determine if there’s any hope for your relationship at all.
“Every relationship is a unique experience, so whether or not it can be saved is also a case by case scenario,” says Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirt and author of Love at First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating. “But if you or your partner have cheated, the most important issue to get at is ‘Why?’ Cheating usually stems from unhappiness, even if it’s rooted in lust.”.
Part 1: What Went Wrong?
“It’s important to do some self work and reflect inward to figure out why you cheated on [him or her],” says Suzanne Oshima, matchmaker and founder of Single in Stilettos. “People usually cheat because there was some need that wasn’t being met, whether emotionally or physically.” Perhaps your partner simply isn’t open to certain things you’ve wanted to try in the bedroom, or your partner isn’t able to provide as much attention or affection as you need. Or, the problem might come from within you, stemming from insecurity or a lack of maturity. Take the time to mull over what the issue might be, because “if you don’t fix it”, explains Oshima, “it will rear its ugly head again and you’ll most likely cheat again”.
If you’re having trouble pinpointing the issue, write about why you think you may have gone astray. As Davis says, it’s imperative that you get to the root of the matter, and journaling may help more than you’d expect. Alternatively, talking with your partner about individual needs and wants is often the most direct way to get to the bottom of things. “Understanding the ‘why’ can help you both determine whether or not it’s worth healing your relationship,” Davis offers.
Whatever you do, it’s definitely not okay for you to continue cheating on your partner. So dig deep, and if need be, seek out a relationship expert, coach or therapist to help you uncover the answer.
Part 2: Taking Action
How many times were you unfaithful? If you cheated multiple times, it doesn’t bode well for the relationship. It’s difficult enough to redeem a partner’s faith after cheating once – and much more so if done habitually. Repeat cheating indicates a deeper dissatisfaction, indicating that your relationship might not be mendable. In such a case, the most ethical course of action is to admit what you’ve done, do your best to explain why it happened, and let your partner go, so you can both discover true happiness somewhere else.
However, if you made a one-time mistake and wish to rescue the relationship, there is hope. “If you cheated once”, Oshima says, “it’s possible to save the relationship – but it’s not just about admitting your mistake and apologizing”.
Once you’ve admitted wrongdoing and have sincerely apologized, you must also articulate the potential reason(s) you cheated. Don’t blame your partner – the infidelity was your error. But you must carefully and gently explain what you’ve been feeling leading up to this betrayal.
Next, talk about what can be done to make things better. Maybe you can carve out designated daily cuddle time. Or maybe your partner can meet you in the middle with certain sexual endeavors. Whatever the solution may be, discuss the issues thoroughly to reach a compromise.
Finally, remember that “it’s important to be prepared that [he or she] is not going to believe everything that you say and that it’s going to take a lot to earn back [his or her] trust”. As Oshima says, “If you want it to really work, then you need to put in the effort”.
