Some Dates Are So Disastrous They Should Never Be Spoken Of. Others, However…
I take great pride in offering helpful advice – information that has real takeaway value. But as one half of a comedy duo that has been on close to 200 double dates together, I thought it might also be worth sharing with you a few of my greatest dating disasters… even if just for sheer entertainment value. But hey – if you happen to learn a thing or two from my mistakes, then all the better!
Alcoholics Un-Anonymous
On one of our most disastrous double dates, my buddy Jack and I attempted to keep up with two vodka-swilling, filthy-mouthed ex-military women from Philadelphia. After attempting to keep up with their superhuman tolerance for alcohol (and failing miserably), I passed out in the middle of making out with my date. She promptly left my apartment – but not before departing with my watch and a bottle of whiskey. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, she then joined her friend and another dude for a late-night threesome. But at least I learned the importance of not succumbing to peer pressure on a date…
Jailbait
It took two young (very young…) ladies to teach us the value of bringing an ID scanner to any blind double date. When carded by a bouncer, each produced – in lieu of a driver’s license – a worker’s permit. You’d think that the evening would end right there, but Jack and I were so terrified to be out with two potential minors that we thought it might be a good idea to buy them ice cream to assure we’d leave them on good terms.
That was, until they started talking about Hannah Montana while on line for sundae toppings – at which point, we ran as fast as we could.
Unwanted Visitor
Once I began dating on my own, my luck didn’t get much better. I spent half of one terrible evening doing everything in my power not to allow a weepy, troubled woman to come back with me to my nearby apartment – and I spent the other half of the evening trying to get her to leave. It turns out that this desperate lady was suffering from manic-depression – and was experiencing an especially tumultuous period in her life. The whole ordeal was so troubling that I made it a point to do mental health screenings over the phone ever since.
(P)oops!
Sometimes a disaster date is nobody’s fault but your own – as was the case when I foolishly made good on plans I simply should have canceled due to illness. But despite terrible stomach issues, I decided to power through the evening to hang out with a girl I’d been dreaming of for months – only to spend all of our time together in a public bathroom, turning the bar into a hostile environment for any breathing human being for the next 24 hours. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Department of Health shut it down after we left. Not only did I ruin the night with my confused, disgusted date, I ruined it for everyone within a 2-mile radius.
Potential Roommate
But perhaps the most calamitous date I’ve ever been on was the easiest to prevent. I should have known that dating a nude model – a Suicide Girl – who claimed to have no pictures of herself that weren’t naked, boded very poorly for our future. When she arrived looking nothing like her photos and refused to make eye contact, I knew that I was in trouble. When she told me she’d done significant amounts of meth in the past, but was trying to turn over a new leaf, I knew that I had made a terrible mistake. And when she told me she planned on sleeping over at my apartment, I knew I had to lie and tell her that I lived with my parents.
