Few people would try to drive a car for the first time without getting some sort of instruction. Most of us know that before we can make a great soufflé we need to learn a bit about baking, and practice cracking eggs. Yet when it comes to sex, we are far too ready to rush into a decision without enough background information.
The first thing to understand about safer sex is that, like any sort of behavior in life, all sexual behavior carries some risk.
Here are some examples of how sex can be risky:
- You could be masturbating in your bed, fall off the bed and break your arm.
- You are cautious about having sex with a new person, but decide to take the plunge. The sex is awkward, and the next day they break up with you in a really mean way.
- You have unprotected oral sex with your partner and get a sexually transmitted disease.
- You have what you think is a one night stand with someone who wants to move in with you the very next day.
There is risk in getting out of bed, in going to work or school, and in engaging in sexual behaviors both by yourself and with others.
So the goal is not to have – risk-free – sex, because it doesn’t exist. The goal is for you to understand the risks you are taking, to choose what risks to take and not to take, and to make these decisions on your own, without too much influence from:
- Parents
- Partners
- Social pressure
- Drugs or alcohol
- A host of other external factors
Understanding sexual risk is all about taking the time to make choices, rather than diving into a situation without thinking.
Because most of us don’t get the chance to learn a lot about sex, and we aren’t really allowed to talk about it much, we tend to make decisions without the kind of information we need to make good decisions.
Ultimately sexual risks are the potential negative consequences from sexual behavior and activities. The most obvious examples of this are sexually transmitted diseases. So when you think about having safer sex, of course think about the ways you can protect yourself and your partner(s) from sexually transmitted diseases, but also consider more broadly the way you make sexual choices without thinking, and the ways you can bring more thoughtfulness to your sexual decision making.
Risky Sex – Evaluating The Risk Of Sexual Behaviors
Most of us want clear answers to questions like, how risky is oral sex, how risky is sex without a condom, etc… The truth is that we don’t have clear or easy answers to questions like this because there are so many other variables to consider (when you had oral sex were you the receiver or giver? What kind of sex did you have without a condom? Do you or the person you had sex with currently have an STD? the list goes on…)
But sexual health educators and public health workers are nothing if not obliging, and so many organizations divide sexual behaviors into levels of risk to offer at least some guidelines for the curious and concerned.
The thing to remember before looking at these categories is that they can change over time, and can even be different from one country to another. There are very few absolutes when it comes to sex. This is why learning about how to define sexual risk and how to assess sexual risk in a given situation is just as important as knowing which behavior is defined as safe, risky, or somewhere in between.
Here is a list of some common sexual behaviors, and their general risk levels.
Considered To Be Safe
- sexual fantasy (including phone sex and cyber sex)
- masturbation (including mutual masturbation without any penetration)
- sexual touching without penetration (e.g. massage, rubbing bodies while clothed)
- kissing
- using sex toys (with condoms if sharing)
Considered To Be Possibly Safe
- oral sex with barrier protection (condoms for a man, dental dams for a woman)
- vaginal intercourse with a condom
- anal intercourse with a condom
- oral/anal contact with barrier protection
- hand/genital contact (e.g. fingering, fisting) with barrier protection like gloves
Considered To Be Possibly Unsafe
- oral sex without protection
- hand/genital contact (e.g. fingering, fisting) without barrier like gloves
- sharing sex toys without properly cleaning them or using condoms
Considered To Be Unsafe
- vaginal intercourse without a condom
- anal intercourse without a condom
- cunnilingus without barrier protection during menstruation
