“My boyfriend and I are both 18. This is my first-everything-relationship, first kiss, sex, exclusivity, etc… We had sex on the second date and would have sex almost every time we would spend time together at night. But that was only twice a week! And even then he normally isn’t interested in going another round when we’re finished. I mean he’s an 18 year old boy, I’m a girl, and I’m more sexual than he is! I just feel that something’s wrong. Many nights I make it clear to him that I would like him to come over but he doesn’t want to. Is he too lazy? Should I tell him to stop masturbating? Did I make things too easy? Honestly I’d like him to be a bit more aggressive with initiating and I think I’m making it clear, but he isn’t picking it up. I can’t make sense of this, if you can, please help.”
To make sense of it I think we need to shine some light on a few ideas buried in your question.
First up is this idea that young men, or men of any age, want to have sex more than women. This is something we hear so often that you might consider it common knowledge. And maybe it is: but that doesn’t make it any less wrong. Forget what you’ve heard about men always having sex on their minds and always being ready for it. It just isn’t true. And it sounds like you are living proof of the fact that some women love thinking about and having sex. A lot. There is the same range of sexual interest, desire, and libido among men as there is among women. There may be nothing at all wrong with your boyfriend and the amount of sex he wants may have nothing to do with you or your relationship.
I also want to point out that even though you aren’t saying this directly, there’s something in your question that makes me wonder if you are confusing quantity of sex with quality. Some couples have sex once a week, others once a month, still others once a year.
If they’re satisfied with the sex they are having, if it gives them what they want, then it’s success. I hear that you aren’t getting as much sex as you want, and I agree, that’s a problem for you. But I wouldn’t want you to think that good sex means statistically frequent sex. It doesn’t. You said a lot in your email but didn’t actually talk about whether or not you’re enjoying the sex.
While it’s possible he just has a lower sex drive than you, there could be other things going on with him. I don’t know him so I can’t know what it is, but from the many conversations I’ve had with young men about sex here are a few things to consider.
Bad Previous Experience
From feeling rejected to being shamed to being victimized, men have plenty of negative sexual experiences, but we don’t talk about that much. Usually when we talk about violence and abuse we only talk about women. Consider that he may have experiences both in relationships and when he was younger that make it difficult for him to enjoy being sexual and possibly in particular enjoy being the initiator or able to be, as you put it, sexually aggressive.
Body Image And Anxiety
Many men have body image problems, and even young men have worries about being able to get an erection and being able to have sex for as long or as often as their partners would like. He may have worries about his ability to have sex as much as you want, and rather than disappoint you during sex he feels safer just staying away.
Double Standards About Women
He may be intimidated by having a girlfriend who is so comfortable talking about/asking for/and having sex. Remember he grew up in the same world we all do, where women’s sexuality is not valued as anything other than entertainment, where we are told women are supposed to be quiet and meek, where women are not allowed to be full sexual beings without being seen as bad girls. Sexism and misogyny are part of all our upbringings and this stuff can come out in our sexual relationships even with guys who are not themselves sexist.
His Own Hangups
I also wonder about the messages he got about sex growing up. Most of us have some shame and guilt about sex and especially about our desires. For some men in particular, being asked to be aggressive can feel very confusing because some men are raised with the idea that aggression of any sort is bad. So, for example, I know young men who were raised in homes where they had a father who was violent. Even in loving and consensual relationships, these young men found it very hard to do anything that remotely reminded them of their father’s behavior. Of course wanting a boyfriend to be more assertive about sex is completely different than abuse or violence, but when these experiences happen in our youth they can be confusing to pull apart.
About That Masturbation
You mentioned something about him masturbating. I think this is worth wondering about too. As a sex educator I’m usually masturbation’s biggest cheerleader. But like any kind of sex, we can use masturbation as an avoidance technique and not just a beautiful statement of self-love. I’m not sure why you brought up masturbation, but if you have concerns about it you should be able to talk about it. Keep in mind that most people have some embarrassment around their solo sex lives and approaching him with accusations probably won’t be that helpful in getting a good conversation going.
So now what?
It sounds like you’re pretty good at talking about sex, but how is he? The thing is, you’ll never know what’s going on with him unless he tells you. But in order for him to tell you, he needs to feel like it’s safe. And keep in mind that he may not even know what’s going on. So it might not be that he’s keeping anything from you.
So how can you make him feel safe? In the end there’s only so much you can do. Sadly we can’t actually make someone feel safe, we can only do what we can and hope they come to feel that way. Two things that come to mind are:
Try to take a break from asking for more sex
If you’re up for doing this I would say you should tell him you’re going to do it, and tell him why. You could say that you really want to keep this relationship going, that you also are hot for him and want to have sex more, but you don’t want him to feel pressured, so you’re going to take a break from asking for more sex. But that doesn’t mean you’ll stop forever and it doesn’t mean things can stay the way they are. You’re asking for change, but you’re also willing to adjust.
Be open to different kinds of communication
He may not be good at talking and sharing as directly as you are. You might need to be creative about how he can share with you his thoughts and feelings. Does he like to write? Does he like movies? Video games? Have you noticed that sometimes he’s more comfortable and relaxed talking? Some people do better with emails/texts/IM or writing letters.
Some people find it easier to talk in the dark, when they don’t have to see the other person. If he feels like the only option for communicating is on your terms and in your way, he may feel like he just can’t do it. It might help him to know that the two of you get to make up the rules, as long as they work for the two of you. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you, if not, feel free to ask and I’ll try to explain it in other ways.
Finally, I think there’s a lot you can do that doesn’t involve him at all. You can take stock of the situation and think about what’s most important to you in a relationship. There are so many elements to our sex lives: communication, activities, who initiates, emotional intimacy, companionship, and more. You’re never going to get everything you want from one person in one relationship. But it’s good to know what are the must-haves for you. Knowing what you want is one thing you can do to increase the chances of getting what you want!
