The connection between silence around sex and shame about sex means that we often don’t bother talking about the most basic aspects of our sex lives, even with the people we have sex with.
Take for example the term “having sex“. What is included in having sex and what isn’t? When does a touch become a sexual activity?
One definition of a sexual activity is any behavior that someone engages in alone, or consensually with others, that is considered sexual by the people engaging in it.
Defining certain activities as sex won’t ever work outside of a particular community and time. Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum and what is sexual changes over time, and is influenced by culture, gender, class, ethnicity, and more.
For this reason I’ve made a list that is more generally about what we do and not about names for doing it (with a few exceptions).
Because we all have different body parts, and because even the Internet can run out of room, I’ve collapsed some of the activities into groups. Just fill in the body parts that you have that you want to use in sex, and away you go.
Don’t forget that each of these activities may be given and/or received. And remember that none of these activities is called sex if it isn’t consensual. If someone is forcing someone else to do any of these things, we call that sexual assault or rape. Sexual activities are reserved for those things we want to do.
The list:
- Kissing: using lips to touch and feel any part of someone else’s body.
- Giving or getting hickeys (using your teeth and mouth to leave temporary marks on a partner’s body).
- Oral sex: using your mouth to stimulate a partner’s genitals (cunnilingus, fellatio, analingus).
- Using another body part (hands, elbows, feet, whatever works) to stimulate a partner’s genitals (penis and scrotum, vulva, vagina, and clitoris, anus and rectum, inguinal canals/muffing).
- Non-genital sexual touch: using another body part (hands, elbows, feet, whatever works) to erotically touch or explore your own or your partner’s whole body.
- Edging: bringing your partner (or yourself) to the edge of a sexual climax, then pulling back and playing with the line.
- Tickling.
- Massage: using any part of your body to sensually touch and relax any part of your own or a partner’s body.
- Dry humping, fully clothed rubbing of your body with someone else’s body (frottage).
- Naked body rubbing, rubbing genitals together without penetration (tribadism).
- Chest, breast, and/or nipple stimulation.
- Masturbation: stimulating yourself for sexual pleasure.
- Mutual masturbation: stimulating yourself with one or more person present.
- Ejaculating during sex.
- Sex toys: using alone or with a partner.
- Restricting your own or a partner’s movement during sex (tying up, restraining body parts).
- Restricting your own or a partner’s senses during sex (wearing headphones, blindfold, covering parts of the body so they can’t be touched).
- Pinching, spanking, or slapping for sexual pleasure.
- Vaginal intercourse: using a penis or strap on.
- Anal intercourse: (using a penis or strap-on).
- Dressing up during sex.
- Doing a strip tease for yourself or a partner.
- Having sex in the water.
- Using food during sex play.
- Talking dirty to each other.
- Taking pictures, audio, or video during sex by yourself or with a partner.
- Having sex in public or in semi-public spaces.
- Doing role play of sexual fantasies.
- Any sexual activity with multiple partners.
- Having sex with a partner or by yourself while other people watch.
