There’s no nice way of putting this, my husband is lousy in bed. He’s a great father and provider and I love him. I have no intention of leaving this marriage, but I’m also not sure how I will survive the next thirty years without going crazy or having an affair.
Saying your husband is lousy in bed is by far the easiest way to describe the problem you’re having. But if you stick with this story you won’t get far.
Because it’s not the whole story.
Your husband may be a terrible lover, with you, at this time in your lives and relationship. But chances are your husband even now, with his current technique or level or interest or whatever else it is that makes you say he’s lousy, would not be considered lousy by a different partner.
Great lovers don’t exist in real life the way they do in the movies or literature (or pornography). Except for masturbation, it takes at least two people to have sex, and everyone involved is responsible for the outcome.
This is sounding like I’m not empathetic to your situation. I am. Especially if he doesn’t have any interest in changing things and you do.
But my empathy doesn’t extend to colluding with you to make this problem all about him. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to end the marriage and so you’re going to need to see this as not only a problem about his sexual abilities, but one about yours too.
To simplify a response, you’ve got two options. Let’s consider where each of them could lead.
Talk to Him About It
This is the one I would recommend. I’m not suggesting you talk about what a lousy lover he is. Even if that’s exactly how it feels, even if he agrees with your assessment, where do you go from there? Instructional videos and sex workshops can be fun, but they rarely offer the kind of serious introspection and challenge that it sounds like you might need here.
Instead start a conversation about what’s missing for you and what might be missing for him. Start by reminding each other why you’re in this relationship and why you’d like to stay in it. And see where that goes. You may find that where it goes includes some or all of the following:
- You get to try new sexual things out together
- You either keep up or rekindle your sexual relationship with yourself (he is not the one responsible for your pleasure, you are)
- Together you explore sex therapy for professional support and guidance
- You may choose to open the relationship up if you simply want more than he does, but you both want to stay together
Don’t Talk to Him About It
This is the option I would not recommend. If you continue to keep this problem to yourself, what’s in your future is still a lot of masturbation, likely the building of resentment that extends beyond the bedroom, and finally you may very well have an affair, which will leave you with some feelings and if/when he learns about it, will introduce a brand new, highly destructive, emotion into your relationship, betrayal.
Not talking about it might seem like the best way to maintain the status quo, but it’s also the best way to end up hating each other and yourself.
