You might be a murderer and not even realize it. You could be slowly and brutally killing your marriage right now. We take many small steps every day. Some of these steps help our marriage grow, while others can eventually suck all the life out of a relationship. Just as you would cut fat out of your diet to get in shape, you should eliminate these bad habits for the health of your marriage:
1. You Never Communicate
Every marriage counselor, therapist, and mom will tell you that communication is the air of marriage and any relationship.
You can’t survive without it. No one can read anyone else’s mind. So, you might believe that your spouse should magically know exactly what you’re thinking and what you need. But that is not realistic. You have to share your feelings, needs, and wants – or you’ll never have a chance at getting any of it. Communicating with your spouse does not guarantee you’ll get what you want all the time, but it does put you one step closer to compromises that could satisfy both of you.
Also, sharing your emotions has lots of benefits. It increases the intimacy between the two of you, which can make you feel closer and more secure in your relationships. It’s also a chance to tell your spouse how you feel about him or her, which makes your spouse more confident in your love, more willing to bend, so you both achieve happiness and are more apt to share his or her feelings for you.
Diagnosis: If you stop communicating or never start, you’ll grow apart. Worse, one of you (or both of you) could end up confiding in someone else, which could lead to an emotional affair or even a sexual affair, either of which could permanently damage your marriage.
Pro Tip: Talk. Check in with each other regularly. Be sure to verbalize what’s wrong, but also what’s right with the relationship. Discuss what to do to make you both happy. If you’re having trouble communicating, get professional help from a marriage counselor or therapist.
2. You Never Have Sex
Sex is what separates the marriage relationship from other relationships you have. It reinforces feelings of love, brings greater intimacy, and it should feel good. Relationships certainly can survive without sex. Some older couples stop having sex after either the husband or wife suffers some illness or is unable to have sex. That’s all right. But if you’re both healthy, and the sex stops because of a lack of desire, you need to address the issue, especially if one of you would like to have sex. Because talking about sex can make some people uncomfortable, they fail to speak up if they have a problem with their sex life. Again, you need to communicate, even about things that might not be easy to address.
Diagnosis: A marriage without sex can definitely wither and die, especially if one of the people in the marriage is unhappy about this. Although a lack of sex is not a free pass to have sex with someone else, it has led to sexual affairs, which can destroy a marriage. In addition, a lack of sex can really pull a couple apart, so that each of the people in the relationship feel as though they are leading lives independent of the other. It can tear away at intimacy and an individual’s confidence.
Pro Tip: The good news is that many common sexual problems can be resolved with the help of medical professionals and counselors or therapists. If your issues are simpler, such as you don’t have time for sex or you’re too exhausted after dealing with everything else in your life (think work, child rearing, household chores), you can fix those things on your own. For instance, you can make time for sex by fitting it into your schedule and you can share more of the responsibilities, so that you both feel less tired and stressed. Some counselors have suggested simply touching and kissing to get you in the mood for sex, even if you are sleepy. Commit to having sex and you will if there are no medical or mental issues interfering.
3. You Argue All The Time
Some people think that getting married means your relationship suddenly gains superpowers. The two of you will finally agree on all sorts of things about which you previously disagreed. You’ll never argue again, and you’ll always be the picture of happiness that you were in your wedding portrait. Helllllooooo. This is completely unrealistic. If you argued about something before the wedding (and never reached any resolution), you will argue about it after the wedding. No relationship has superpowers. Marriage isn’t some sort of shield that keeps you agreeing forever. Some arguing is actually a healthy part of a strong relationship. Lots of arguing, however, can be detrimental to the relationship but also to an individual’s well being. Who wants to be angry all the time? It takes a lot of work and can put you in a real funk, not to mention the stress it causes.
Diagnosis: No one wants to fight all the time. It just takes all the fun and joy out of your relationship. It also can make you both bitter and angry. These emotions are ripe for breeding resentment, which is like poison for your marriage.
Pro Tip: Learn how to argue properly. There are ways to disagree, so that you are respectful and you both hear each other out. Also, you can learn to agree to disagree on certain topics and reach resolution on others. Finally, you must truly choose your battles. Don’t argue over every little thing. You have to have tolerance for one another. Realize you’re different people with different ideas and habits. So, forget about the fact that he leaves the dishes to soak before getting around to washing them. But do point out that you feel like you need some more help around the house. Distinguish between the things you need to discuss and those you can let go. Whenever you bring up these touchy subjects, do it in a respectful way. Leave sarcasm and one-upsmanship to comedians.
4. Make Money Mistakes
Whether you have money or you’re broke, you’ll find that this is a hot-button issue in your marriage. People are weird about money. Unfortunately, we need it to live because you won’t have shelter, food, or clothing without it. But money can cause a lot of heartache. You might be a saver and hubby is a spender. Or your idea of love is receiving nice (read: expensive) gifts, and your husband would rather shower you with kisses than diamonds.
Failing to get on the same page about money – how you’re going to handle it (joint accounts, pre-nups, etc.), what to buy, what to save – can absolutely destroy your marriage. If one of you ends up making a lot of money, the other could become resentful or feel useless. If you’re broke, you could end up resenting the other for ending up in this situation.
Diagnosis: Making money mistakes – failing to get out of debt, spending what you don’t have, or making poor investments – is cause for more arguing, which leads to less sex and sometimes a breakdown of communication (the other killers on this list).
Pro Tip: Discuss how you want to handle money. Will you both have separate accounts? Will you have a joint account? How will you make decisions about how to spend and save? Once you have a framework in place for dealing with financial matters, then you can start to actually make decisions. Try to avoid money mistakes, like garnering lots of debt. If one of you is making significantly more than the other, make sure that you don’t hold it over your spouse’s head and that you show support.
The main goal for both of you should be to prove that money is not a condition of your love for each other.
5. Let Your Spouse Shoulder All The Responsibility
Don’t get me wrong. We’ve come a long way from the days of June Cleaver, when women did all the child rearing and housework and men went out to work. Women and men in the United States certainly try to help each other out usually. Often, one of the spouses ends up taking on more responsibility than the other. Sometimes, this just happens because one spouse simply does certain chores without asking for help. Sometimes, one spouse shows no interest in lending a hand. Inequality – however it happens – is challenging and can kill a marriage.
Diagnosis: When one person has more work to do than another (or even if one person simply feels as though he or she has more work or more burden than the other), he or she will be resentful and angry. It might take a while for these feelings to boil over, but they eventually will. It will be ugly when he or she explodes and unleashes this anger. The spouse might simply grow tired of doing everything, and it could lead to divorce.
Pro Tip: You have to try and make the relationship as equal as possible. You each should have certain responsibilities. If one of you is feeling overworked or overburdened, you have to tell your partner. He or she has to take action to help you feel like you have a true teammate, someone who will lift you up when you’re down and give you a hand when you need it. You must do the same when you’re on the other side of the table. That’s part of your job as a married person.
