As an almost-40-year-old single male, I’ve been on my fair share of dates – many of which were, unfortunately, “one-timers”. Usually, this was because I never pursued a second date. (That’s not to say that my partner was necessarily interested in seeing me again, either – but for my ego’s sake, let’s assume that the choice to cut the cord was usually my own).
Admittedly, however, there were absolutely times that I did, in fact, commit a particular flub that resulted in – how shall I put this… miserable failure?
Fortunately, my mistakes can be your gain. Please listen and learn from five of my not-so-greatest hits:
1. The Unfunny Joke
If you’re reading this, statistically speaking, you’re most likely not a writer for The Simpsons. (Though, if you are a writer for The Simpsons, please contact me?) And if that is, indeed, the case, you’re probably best off leaving clever quotes from the animated series to the characters on the show. Like the time I used “pobody’s nerfect” – an obscure play on words from The Simpsons – more than once on a date to address each of my flaws, only to confuse and tire out my partner halfway through the salad course. Just because you find someone else’s clever joke funny doesn’t mean you have to repeat it… especially not again and again. And again.
2. The Larry David Rant
We all have the urge to rant at one time or another. Eventually, the urge gets so strong that it can feel impossible to contain, and the release comes out in a Tweet, Facebook post, or shouting match in an IHOP – but that’s about as public as it should get.
So when a woman once commented on the current state of our education system using blatantly incorrect background information, I had to address it. I should have kept myself in check when I disagreed with her views and engaged in a healthy conversation rather than launching into an oration, but I lost my cool – and thus lost the interest of my super cute date. Lectures rarely keep the attention of high school students, and they certainly don’t work on a date.
3. The Money Problem
Verify the status of your credit card before you go out at night. Better yet, make sure you’re not using the credit card you forgot you cancelled because you thought you lost but then found – as is what happened to me a few years back. Although I was able to use another card to pay for the meal, the damage had been done: the initial rejection made me appear uncouth and immature for a humiliating experience that no one ever wants to deal with – especially the waiter. As a backup, always have enough cash on hand (ideally at least $80) to ensure you’ll be able to cover any financial surprises that come along throughout the night. For example, if you should end up calling for “professional help” from Craigslist when your original date falls apart.
4. The Lack Of Grooming
Make sure that you look the same as you looked when your date originally saw you, whether that was via an online dating site or while walking your dog. Once, after having spent a pretty-penny to get a straight-razor shave, I arrived at a bar to hear my date utter, “Oh, you shaved. I like beards”. Sad trombone. Although you reserve the right to do whatever you want with your own body, take into consideration that you are committing “false advertising” when showing up to a date with a drastically different appearance. So if you had a beard when she first saw you, for example, your beard should be groomed well enough to win Beard of the Year at the Beardy Awards.
5. The Negative Nancy
Regardless of how closely the wine you’re drinking may resemble pond scum in taste profile, it’s in your best interest to put a positive spin on your critique. When confronted with such swill on a date a few years back, what I should have said was, “Well, now I have a better understanding of what good wine should taste like!” What I said instead, was, “Ugh, this tastes like crap. Knew I shouldn’t have gotten the goddamned Malbec”. The problem with this negative response is twofold: First, you don’t want your date to think you know what “crap” tastes like. And secondly, it’s just a drink. If it loosens you up and gives you that happy, tingly feeling that only the Nectar of the Gods can give, suck it up and drink it down to keep the date on a positive path.
